1 00:00:05,105 --> 00:00:07,699 Where's Brian? Breakfast is getting cold. 2 00:00:07,785 --> 00:00:12,096 In tonight's episode, the part of Brian the dog will be played by Carter Banks. 3 00:00:12,184 --> 00:00:14,936 - Here I am. Sorry, I... - Camera two. 4 00:00:15,023 --> 00:00:18,458 - Sorry, I overslept. - Yes, well, do you want breakfast? 5 00:00:18,542 --> 00:00:21,578 Or would you rather chew on your own ass, as usual? 6 00:00:23,300 --> 00:00:27,930 (clears throat) Well, I'm... I'm sure you have something to say to that, hm? 7 00:00:32,379 --> 00:00:37,327 Oh. Oh, God, sorry. Can you give me the line again? Not the whole line, just the end of it. 8 00:00:37,417 --> 00:00:41,171 Oh! Let's cut. All right, you're sleeping with which producer? 9 00:00:41,257 --> 00:00:44,328 God, as soon as my movie deal kicks in, I am such a ghost! 10 00:00:44,896 --> 00:00:48,286 It seems today that all you see 11 00:00:48,375 --> 00:00:51,606 Is violence in movies and sex on TV 12 00:00:51,694 --> 00:00:55,242 But where are those good old-fashioned values 13 00:00:55,333 --> 00:00:57,801 On which we used to rely? 14 00:00:58,412 --> 00:01:01,643 Lucky there's a family guy 15 00:01:01,732 --> 00:01:06,521 Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us 16 00:01:06,611 --> 00:01:08,202 Laugh and cry 17 00:01:08,290 --> 00:01:13,489 He's a family guy! 18 00:01:14,530 --> 00:01:17,521 (Lois) Peter, take off your blindfold. We're almost there. 19 00:01:17,609 --> 00:01:20,122 Not yet. I don't wanna ruin my birthday surprise. 20 00:01:20,207 --> 00:01:22,199 Then at least let me drive! 21 00:01:22,288 --> 00:01:25,881 - You know it's illegal for women to drive. - (cat squeals) 22 00:01:25,966 --> 00:01:29,481 A woman driving! That's adorable. 23 00:01:29,566 --> 00:01:33,160 Peter, I don't think... Peter, please, I'm begging you, stop the car! 24 00:01:34,165 --> 00:01:37,042 Oh, we're here. Thank God. 25 00:01:37,124 --> 00:01:38,523 (crowd) Whoo! 26 00:01:38,604 --> 00:01:44,155 Bob's Funland and Putt Putt Golf! The grown-up in me likes the prospect of fun. 27 00:01:44,242 --> 00:01:48,075 But the kid in me is suicidal over what a fat bastard I'll become. 28 00:01:50,681 --> 00:01:55,595 - Happy birthday! - I can't believe it! Quagmire, Cleveland, Joe! 29 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:58,796 - Who are you? - The guy whose car you just slammed into! 30 00:01:58,879 --> 00:02:00,709 Lois, you invited everyone! 31 00:02:03,798 --> 00:02:08,188 Excuse me, excuse me. My friend is differently-abled. May he go ahead of you? 32 00:02:08,277 --> 00:02:10,074 Of course. 33 00:02:10,157 --> 00:02:12,794 Frontsies, backsies, backsies, backsies. 34 00:02:12,875 --> 00:02:18,188 Well, hello! You must be this beautiful to ride the Quagmire. 35 00:02:19,474 --> 00:02:23,148 - Careful, Joe. - Kiss off! Yeah! 36 00:02:24,113 --> 00:02:29,948 Your father! Sometimes I don't think he'll be happy until he's completely paralysed. 37 00:02:32,711 --> 00:02:37,784 Ooh! How deliciously evil-Iooking. It's like something out of Stephen King. 38 00:02:38,830 --> 00:02:41,787 OK, for my 307th book, 39 00:02:42,349 --> 00:02:46,387 uh, this couple is attacked by a... a... 40 00:02:46,468 --> 00:02:49,459 A lamp monster! Ooh! Ooooh! 41 00:02:49,548 --> 00:02:51,538 You're not even trying any more, are you? 42 00:02:51,627 --> 00:02:55,585 - (growls) - When can I have it? 43 00:03:01,545 --> 00:03:03,535 A lot. 44 00:03:09,183 --> 00:03:12,731 A 10-gauge. I've never handled one of these before. 45 00:03:13,462 --> 00:03:15,054 Agh! 46 00:03:15,142 --> 00:03:16,779 Ah! Yes! 47 00:03:16,861 --> 00:03:20,773 This is my rifle, this is my gun This is for fighting, this is for fun 48 00:03:25,019 --> 00:03:28,727 Oh, dang. Now I hate windmills even more. 49 00:03:28,818 --> 00:03:32,288 Let me give you a tip, pally. The shortest distance between two points 50 00:03:32,378 --> 00:03:35,813 is the full-body-English high-arcing rainbow shot. 51 00:03:44,495 --> 00:03:45,893 I know what you're thinkin'. 52 00:03:48,974 --> 00:03:51,771 Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you and your party to leave. 53 00:03:51,853 --> 00:03:54,003 You've caused nothing but trouble. 54 00:03:54,093 --> 00:03:58,608 Perhaps we should just continue the party at some other type of location. 55 00:03:58,692 --> 00:04:02,399 No, no, no, wait. I know this guy. We went to high school together. 56 00:04:02,490 --> 00:04:04,083 - We did? - Yeah. 57 00:04:04,171 --> 00:04:06,161 He was a loser then, and he's a loser now. 58 00:04:06,250 --> 00:04:08,285 Oh, we used to kid this guy all the time. 59 00:04:09,409 --> 00:04:13,163 Bob misses his mommy! Bob misses his mommy! 60 00:04:16,448 --> 00:04:20,759 So we're not goin' just cos some little pissant tells us to. I demand to see the owner. 61 00:04:20,847 --> 00:04:22,962 That's me. I'm Bob Funland. 62 00:04:23,046 --> 00:04:25,718 Wha... You own this whole place?! 63 00:04:25,805 --> 00:04:30,595 That's right. This place is my legacy. So what have you done with your life, you jerk? 64 00:04:30,685 --> 00:04:32,640 Uh... Uh... 65 00:04:32,724 --> 00:04:37,922 I'm Neptune, god of the sea! I sink ships and conjure up storms! 66 00:04:38,003 --> 00:04:41,199 No, you're not. I am. And you know nothing of my work. 67 00:04:44,321 --> 00:04:48,109 Look at this, Lois. See, right here. I was voted Most Likely to Succeed. 68 00:04:48,201 --> 00:04:52,478 Peter, that's not you. That's not even a yearbook, it's a People Magazine. 69 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:55,437 Oh. I wondered why they had the wrong picture and name. 70 00:04:55,519 --> 00:04:57,986 Can't we just enjoy the rest of your birthday? 71 00:04:58,078 --> 00:05:01,990 Look. It says "Happy birthday, Daddy. Love, Stewie." 72 00:05:02,077 --> 00:05:04,068 Let me see that! 73 00:05:04,157 --> 00:05:08,228 Did you forge my name?! Oh, is that backward "S" supposed to be cute? 74 00:05:08,315 --> 00:05:10,431 I'm going to crap double for you tonight! 75 00:05:10,515 --> 00:05:14,143 Face it, Lois, I'm a nobody. Why can't I be famous like Bob? 76 00:05:14,235 --> 00:05:16,270 Or my cousin, Kathy Griffin? 77 00:05:16,354 --> 00:05:19,345 Then I got on Suddenly Susan, and that was, like, really cool. 78 00:05:19,433 --> 00:05:22,742 I still do stand-up, people laugh and give me money, that's also cool. 79 00:05:22,832 --> 00:05:25,392 Isn't this great, catching up? Anyway... 80 00:05:25,472 --> 00:05:29,100 - She's still talking. - I don't get it. I poured it in her drink. 81 00:05:29,191 --> 00:05:31,830 ...name was Steve Rock. First black I ever did it with. 82 00:05:31,911 --> 00:05:34,822 - Oh, boy. - "Never go back." But I went everywhere. 83 00:05:35,230 --> 00:05:38,857 Don't be depressed, Dad. Here, I made you a present. 84 00:05:38,948 --> 00:05:42,224 My God! It's... good. Really good. 85 00:05:42,308 --> 00:05:47,381 It's partly an expression of my teenage angst, but mostly it's a moo-cow. 86 00:05:47,466 --> 00:05:51,254 It's lovely, Chris. Go ahead, Peter, make a wish. 87 00:05:51,346 --> 00:05:53,984 I'd sell my soul to be famous! 88 00:05:54,945 --> 00:05:57,333 Hup. I got a live one. Peter Griffin. 89 00:05:57,424 --> 00:06:01,497 Ooh, sorry, chief. Seems he already sold his soul in 1976 for Bee Gees tickets. 90 00:06:01,584 --> 00:06:04,575 Oh, and again in 1981 for half a Mallomar. 91 00:06:04,663 --> 00:06:07,256 Aw, heck! Where's a lawyer when I need one? 92 00:06:10,222 --> 00:06:13,372 Don't forget this. Maybe you could hang it in your office. 93 00:06:13,461 --> 00:06:16,736 Son, I'll put it someplace where everyone can see it. 94 00:06:23,059 --> 00:06:26,607 Excuse me. I'll give you $1,000 for what you have in the back there. 95 00:06:26,698 --> 00:06:28,688 $1,000 for a bumper sticker? 96 00:06:30,857 --> 00:06:34,895 No, no, no. I mean that painting. I must have it for my gallery in SoHo. 97 00:06:34,976 --> 00:06:37,853 - I'll give you $5,000. What do you say? - I say... 98 00:06:37,935 --> 00:06:42,724 I love you, you freakin' son of mine! I got 5,000 bucks for that painting you made me! 99 00:06:42,814 --> 00:06:45,169 But I painted that just for you. 100 00:06:45,254 --> 00:06:49,326 Don't feel bad, Chris. I didn't even want it. Now we all get a free trip to New York 101 00:06:49,413 --> 00:06:51,801 cos Mr Monatti thinks you could be a famous artist. 102 00:06:51,892 --> 00:06:54,689 - Monatti? Antonio Monatti? - You've heard of this man? 103 00:06:54,771 --> 00:06:58,480 Oh, oh, oh! He's only the biggest art dealer in New York! 104 00:06:58,571 --> 00:07:01,482 I met him when I was hanging out with Andy Warhol in the '70s. 105 00:07:11,328 --> 00:07:13,477 Peter, we are not going to New York. 106 00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:16,478 Lois, our son has been blessed with a great gift, 107 00:07:16,566 --> 00:07:20,445 and I'm gonna do everything I can to nurture that talent and help him succeed. 108 00:07:20,525 --> 00:07:23,562 Then I'll use him to live out all my frustrated hopes and dreams, 109 00:07:23,645 --> 00:07:26,522 because that's good parenting, right, Bing Crosby? 110 00:07:26,604 --> 00:07:29,072 Right, Peter. And if your kids give you any lip, 111 00:07:29,164 --> 00:07:31,551 you can beat 'em with a sack of sweet Valencia oranges. 112 00:07:31,643 --> 00:07:37,159 They won't leave a bruise, and they'll let 'em know who's boss. There's no doubt about it. 113 00:07:37,241 --> 00:07:40,392 - But that doesn't sound right. - Are you givin' me lip, boy? 114 00:07:40,481 --> 00:07:45,031 I'll take this belt off and put the smack-down on you. Is that what you want? Huh? 115 00:07:45,120 --> 00:07:47,428 - Hey! Hey! What... Ow! Knock it off! - Huh? 116 00:07:47,519 --> 00:07:50,237 - Like that, huh? - Get away from me, you dead crooner. 117 00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:05,871 Hi, this is David Leisure. You probably remember me as the neighbour 118 00:08:05,955 --> 00:08:08,230 from TV's "Empty Nest". 119 00:08:08,315 --> 00:08:12,431 No? Well, how about those car commercials when I played Joe Isuzu? 120 00:08:12,513 --> 00:08:14,504 The... the guy who lied? 121 00:08:14,593 --> 00:08:18,631 Oh, come on! Those were really popular. They ran all the time. 122 00:08:18,712 --> 00:08:21,465 All right, look. Just buckle up. Can I get my cheque now? 123 00:08:21,552 --> 00:08:26,783 Oh, kids, look at that man over there, grabbin' his own crotch. Oh! So alive, this city! 124 00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:33,387 - Look! Central Park! - There's the Empire State Building! 125 00:08:33,469 --> 00:08:37,017 - There's a hot-dog cart! - Chris, don't spoil your appetite. 126 00:08:37,108 --> 00:08:41,385 New York has some of the best restaurants in the world. They even have Indian food here. 127 00:08:41,467 --> 00:08:43,503 Not the "ub-ub" kind, the "mm-mm" kind. 128 00:08:43,587 --> 00:08:46,019 - Welcome to the Big Apple, fella. - Just make sure 129 00:08:46,105 --> 00:08:48,903 there's a Wall Street Journal by the changing table. 130 00:08:48,985 --> 00:08:51,101 And send a masseuse up. Legitimate! 131 00:08:53,304 --> 00:08:55,374 Hey, waiter. The name's Peter Griffin. 132 00:08:55,464 --> 00:08:57,978 My son's gonna be the best thing to happen to New York 133 00:08:58,063 --> 00:09:00,941 since Mayor Giuliani had all the homeless secretly killed. 134 00:09:01,023 --> 00:09:03,013 And all I gotta do is paint! 135 00:09:03,822 --> 00:09:07,097 Hey, you guys have any bellhops that are rats, like the Muppets? 136 00:09:07,181 --> 00:09:09,900 Mom, can we go see a Broadway play tonight? 137 00:09:09,981 --> 00:09:12,892 Count me out. I'm never going to the theatre with Peter again. 138 00:09:15,179 --> 00:09:16,931 Remember when you were younger, 139 00:09:17,019 --> 00:09:20,454 Uncle Vanya used to spend whole nights translating books for you. 140 00:09:20,538 --> 00:09:25,292 Uncle Vanya and I worked without rest, afraid to spend a kopeck on ourselves. 141 00:09:27,137 --> 00:09:31,447 What the hell is this? For cryin' out loud, somebody throw a pie! 142 00:09:31,536 --> 00:09:36,528 Screw the theatre. Mr Monatti invited us to a cocktail party so Chris can meet some artists. 143 00:09:36,614 --> 00:09:40,811 It's at the Museum of Modern Art. Oh, God. I hope that's not some kind of museum. 144 00:09:46,812 --> 00:09:51,168 - Mapplethorpe? Not just photography? - Oh, no. Early on he did caricatures. 145 00:09:51,251 --> 00:09:54,242 Uh, OK, Tim. Who's your favourite sports star? 146 00:09:54,330 --> 00:09:56,446 - Uh, Reggie Jackson. - OK. 147 00:09:56,530 --> 00:09:58,997 I'll draw him pooping on your chest. What number is he? 148 00:09:59,089 --> 00:10:02,876 Welcome. Chris, there are a number of artists here I'd like you to meet. 149 00:10:02,968 --> 00:10:05,084 Hey, hey, hey. Let's talk turkey, Monatti. 150 00:10:05,168 --> 00:10:08,046 We've been here all day, and Chris isn't a famous artist yet. 151 00:10:08,127 --> 00:10:10,720 Creating art takes a lot of training and technique. 152 00:10:10,806 --> 00:10:13,797 - All the great artists I knew took classes. - Even Walt Disney? 153 00:10:16,806 --> 00:10:19,956 Do I... do I have to? 154 00:10:20,045 --> 00:10:22,511 You want to be a star, don't you? Then take it off! 155 00:10:22,603 --> 00:10:25,993 - (whimpers) - Yeah. Yeah, yeah, that's nice. 156 00:10:26,083 --> 00:10:29,518 Art school? We don't have that kind of time. Chris, give me your ear. 157 00:10:29,602 --> 00:10:31,957 - Peter! - Mr Griffin, please. 158 00:10:32,042 --> 00:10:36,080 Please, I invited you so that Chris could make an impression on the art community. 159 00:10:36,161 --> 00:10:40,711 Why not do some sightseeing? If you leave Chris in my hands, the name Griffin 160 00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,233 - Will be as well-known as Kandinsky. - Who? 161 00:10:43,319 --> 00:10:44,307 - Rembrandt? - Who? 162 00:10:44,398 --> 00:10:45,387 - Da Vinci? - Who? 163 00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:46,672 - Bazooka Joe? - There you go. 164 00:10:48,877 --> 00:10:53,871 Ah, the United Nations! Oh, I wish Chris could see this. 165 00:10:53,957 --> 00:10:57,710 Isn't it inspiring how so many different cultures can come together? 166 00:10:57,796 --> 00:11:00,309 Yeah, and use up all the towels in the men's room. 167 00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:03,985 - Peter! - Sorry. 168 00:11:05,394 --> 00:11:07,702 (air whooshes) 169 00:11:07,793 --> 00:11:11,069 - These things never get 'em completely dry. - Where's Stewie? 170 00:11:13,232 --> 00:11:17,543 Hm! Hidden missile silos behind the Great Wall. 171 00:11:17,631 --> 00:11:20,191 Ancient Chinese secret, huh? 172 00:11:20,830 --> 00:11:23,549 Mr Monatti, shouldn't I be painting now? 173 00:11:23,630 --> 00:11:27,588 Trust me, painting is the least important thing about being a successful artist. 174 00:11:27,669 --> 00:11:30,546 You need an image! Let's take this Rhode Island lump of clay 175 00:11:30,628 --> 00:11:34,939 - And turn it into the toast of New York! - Ha, ha, ha! I love toast! 176 00:11:35,027 --> 00:11:39,258 - Cut it and tint it green, the colour of money. - And boogers! 177 00:11:41,746 --> 00:11:43,895 (Lois) I feel we've been walkin' in circles. 178 00:11:43,985 --> 00:11:47,614 I don't know how you can find anything in this city. It's so confusing. 179 00:11:47,705 --> 00:11:51,457 Well, I bet if Hillary Clinton becomes senator, she'll straighten it out. 180 00:11:51,543 --> 00:11:53,773 Even though she couldn't straighten out Bill. 181 00:11:53,863 --> 00:11:57,457 Ha, ha, ha! I love when you use topical humour. 182 00:11:57,542 --> 00:11:59,578 It's just like watching Murphy Brown. 183 00:11:59,662 --> 00:12:03,209 Hey, Murphy. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, John Sununu. 184 00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:04,335 (canned laughter) 185 00:12:04,420 --> 00:12:07,173 Murphy. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, Tipper Gore. 186 00:12:07,260 --> 00:12:08,851 (canned laughter) 187 00:12:08,939 --> 00:12:13,888 Hey, Murph. You can't blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah the Ayatollah. 188 00:12:13,979 --> 00:12:16,571 Blah, blah, blah, Bishop Desmond Tutu. Blah, blah. 189 00:12:16,658 --> 00:12:18,216 (canned laughter and applause) 190 00:12:20,177 --> 00:12:22,371 Shouldn't my mom and dad be here by now? 191 00:12:22,456 --> 00:12:27,132 They'd rather wander through SoHo, looking for an address that doesn't exist. 192 00:12:27,215 --> 00:12:30,968 Ha, ha, ha! That's my dad! Well, maybe tomorrow, we could all... 193 00:12:31,054 --> 00:12:34,011 - Oh, there's Kate Moss. - Where? I don't see her. 194 00:12:35,774 --> 00:12:38,332 Agh! Are you the Matrix? 195 00:12:39,013 --> 00:12:42,686 - Kate, this is my new discovery, Christobel. - My name's Chris. 196 00:12:42,771 --> 00:12:45,922 Not any more. Christobel will look better in Interview magazine. 197 00:12:46,011 --> 00:12:48,524 Nice to meet you. I love artists. 198 00:12:48,610 --> 00:12:50,601 Whoops! A crack in the floor. 199 00:12:53,170 --> 00:12:56,320 - Lois. Gimme a penny, - You're not gonna throw it over the edge? 200 00:12:56,409 --> 00:12:57,728 No. Yes. 201 00:13:09,326 --> 00:13:11,759 I've just scheduled your first exhibit! 202 00:13:11,845 --> 00:13:14,234 Wow! I can't wait to tell my dad. 203 00:13:14,324 --> 00:13:17,555 Yes. I know how important your success is to your father. 204 00:13:17,643 --> 00:13:20,635 That's why he'll understand that you can never see him again. 205 00:13:20,723 --> 00:13:23,156 Yeah. Of course he will. Dad's very... 206 00:13:23,242 --> 00:13:25,312 Whaaaat? 207 00:13:25,602 --> 00:13:29,230 Christobel, the art world is a place of culture and breeding. 208 00:13:29,321 --> 00:13:33,438 Your father is, uh... How can I say this without upsetting you? 209 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:36,511 - (high-pitched voice) Your dad is a pig! - Ah! Ha, ha, ha! 210 00:13:37,959 --> 00:13:42,748 So, you see, it's up to you, son. If you don't wanna disappoint your father, keep him away. 211 00:13:42,837 --> 00:13:46,876 There's my boy! Hey, come on, Chris. Let's go to Barneys and fart in the suits. 212 00:13:46,957 --> 00:13:49,550 All right, Dad! I... Oh. 213 00:13:49,636 --> 00:13:54,948 - I mean, uh... I can't see you any more. - What are you talkin' about? You're my son. 214 00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:59,108 Mr Griffin, he's going to be a great artist. He now belongs to the public. 215 00:13:59,195 --> 00:14:01,707 And apparently, I'm dating Kate Moss. 216 00:14:01,793 --> 00:14:05,944 Oh, and, um, don't say anything bad about her, cos she might be here right now. 217 00:14:06,032 --> 00:14:08,148 Wait a minute! You can't... you can't just push me aside. 218 00:14:08,232 --> 00:14:11,065 I made you! And I can destroy you! 219 00:14:11,311 --> 00:14:14,428 - (bleep) - Damn, they musta put it in the wrong baby. 220 00:14:14,511 --> 00:14:17,422 Oh, Bobby Williams, I'd love to go out with you. 221 00:14:23,388 --> 00:14:27,540 I can't believe Chris. If I hadn't used his painting to patch that window, 222 00:14:27,628 --> 00:14:31,062 - He'd still be in that dump in Quahog. - That "dump" is our home. 223 00:14:31,147 --> 00:14:33,614 "Dump"? Oh, so now you're too good for us, too? 224 00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:37,744 This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for Chris, not you. 225 00:14:37,825 --> 00:14:41,134 - Are you so selfish you can't see that? - Yes, I am. 226 00:14:41,224 --> 00:14:44,135 Peter, your son is using his talents to pursue his dream. 227 00:14:44,223 --> 00:14:46,896 I have no son. Except for Stewie. 228 00:14:47,543 --> 00:14:50,932 - And Meg! - Aah! 229 00:14:51,022 --> 00:14:53,217 I had a dream 230 00:14:53,302 --> 00:14:56,021 It's all about you 231 00:14:56,102 --> 00:14:58,137 Meg Griffin 232 00:14:58,221 --> 00:15:01,053 Not much you can do 233 00:15:01,140 --> 00:15:03,608 Meg Griffin 234 00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:07,817 You can't dance, you can't sing 235 00:15:07,899 --> 00:15:11,447 No, you pretty much can't do a thing 236 00:15:11,537 --> 00:15:15,007 Never fear, Daddy's here 237 00:15:15,097 --> 00:15:20,807 Honey, you're gonna make our name famous 238 00:15:23,135 --> 00:15:27,252 You'll be larger than life 239 00:15:27,334 --> 00:15:30,450 I'll be proud you fell out of my wife 240 00:15:30,893 --> 00:15:34,329 You'll be known far and wide 241 00:15:34,413 --> 00:15:37,881 Like that princess who died 242 00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:40,929 I'm gonna make you famous 243 00:15:41,011 --> 00:15:44,400 Wait and see 244 00:15:44,490 --> 00:15:48,563 Honey, I'm gonna do this for you 245 00:15:48,650 --> 00:15:54,279 But it's really for meee... 246 00:15:56,487 --> 00:16:04,403 ...eeee! 247 00:16:04,485 --> 00:16:07,521 Fine. If Chris doesn't need me, I don't need him. 248 00:16:07,605 --> 00:16:10,721 You'll love being famous, Meg, and this is the town to do it in. 249 00:16:10,804 --> 00:16:12,953 I don't know, Dad. What am I gonna do? 250 00:16:13,043 --> 00:16:17,513 Everybody's good at somethin'. It's just a matter of findin' the special hidden talent. 251 00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:22,437 But promise me, when you make it big, you'll let me take advantage of all the... 252 00:16:37,318 --> 00:16:40,548 I can't think of anything. I guess I don't have any talent. 253 00:16:40,637 --> 00:16:43,594 Come on, think harder! There's gotta be somethin' you can do. 254 00:16:43,676 --> 00:16:45,348 (whistles bird call) 255 00:16:49,115 --> 00:16:51,151 - That's amazing! - Oh, thanks. 256 00:16:51,234 --> 00:16:53,589 I roomed with Scott Hamilton at prep school. 257 00:16:53,674 --> 00:16:56,949 - Nothing happened. - No, the bird came when Meg whistled. 258 00:16:57,033 --> 00:16:59,024 Oh. No, those are just my bird calls. 259 00:16:59,113 --> 00:17:01,501 Do it again! Do it again! 260 00:17:05,471 --> 00:17:08,110 Yeah? Well, what d'you want? 261 00:17:08,191 --> 00:17:10,421 - Uh... - You called me, right? 262 00:17:10,511 --> 00:17:12,580 Oh, no, no. I wasn't calling you. 263 00:17:12,670 --> 00:17:13,864 (giggles) 264 00:17:13,950 --> 00:17:16,224 Oh, oh, this is funny to you? Yeah? 265 00:17:16,310 --> 00:17:19,903 You know what a pain in the ass it is to get across town, this time of day? Huh? 266 00:17:19,988 --> 00:17:22,821 Listen, uh, mister, we don't want any trouble here. 267 00:17:22,908 --> 00:17:25,785 I don't fly, you know. I take the subway like everybody else. 268 00:17:25,867 --> 00:17:29,905 Oh, and people don't stare. You make me puke. Bitch. 269 00:17:31,945 --> 00:17:36,142 Mr Monatti, I don't feel like painting. I wanna see my dad. 270 00:17:36,224 --> 00:17:40,694 Listen, Christobel. I've sunk $5,000 turning you into a New York bohemian. 271 00:17:40,783 --> 00:17:43,343 All you have to do is paint. Now get busy! 272 00:17:43,423 --> 00:17:46,539 I have to go oil up and start squeezing into my leather pants. Excuse me. 273 00:17:46,622 --> 00:17:49,454 Oh, jeez. Kate, what should I do? 274 00:17:49,541 --> 00:17:53,818 I don't know. You're the flavour of the month. Oops! Window open. 275 00:17:57,900 --> 00:18:00,095 (Meg caws) 276 00:18:04,418 --> 00:18:06,409 - I'm goin' over there. I'm gonna... - No, no. 277 00:18:06,498 --> 00:18:09,933 - I'm gonna go over there and punch her. - No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. 278 00:18:10,017 --> 00:18:13,531 This is humiliating! 279 00:18:13,616 --> 00:18:16,414 It's show business, baby. You gotta start somewhere. 280 00:18:16,496 --> 00:18:18,690 No, I don't. I quit. 281 00:18:18,775 --> 00:18:22,449 Now, wait just a minute, young lady. Don't you walk away from me. 282 00:18:22,534 --> 00:18:24,808 Hey! Hey! Don't you start runnin'! 283 00:18:24,893 --> 00:18:27,487 Wait! Meg! Meg, get off that bus. 284 00:18:27,572 --> 00:18:29,767 Don't... don't you go to LaGuardia! 285 00:18:29,852 --> 00:18:33,366 Meg? Meg, listen to me. Don't you dare get on that plane. 286 00:18:33,451 --> 00:18:37,568 Don't shell out five bucks for headphones for Magnolia. OK. Now, I'm pissed. 287 00:18:37,930 --> 00:18:40,239 - Well, thank God that's over. - Yeah. 288 00:18:40,889 --> 00:18:45,599 - Wanna go crap on the Statue of Liberty? - I've lived my life here and never been there. 289 00:18:45,689 --> 00:18:49,044 - I've never been to the Empire State Building. - Boy, we're a pair. 290 00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:52,358 - Aren't we? - Unbelievable. Let's go. 291 00:19:00,406 --> 00:19:03,317 - Chris! - Hey! You guys made it! 292 00:19:03,405 --> 00:19:06,202 Of course! We wouldn't miss your big day. 293 00:19:06,284 --> 00:19:11,755 Wait a second. I don't see any strippers passing out free tacos. Lois, you lied to me! 294 00:19:11,843 --> 00:19:15,551 - Is Dad mad at me? - Oh, he just doesn't understand. 295 00:19:15,642 --> 00:19:18,519 I know artists have to make sacrifices, and... 296 00:19:18,601 --> 00:19:20,751 Oh, my God! Are you Kate Moss? 297 00:19:20,841 --> 00:19:26,277 Oh, for someone with no breasts, you've done very well for yourself. Good for you! 298 00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:28,714 (disco) 299 00:19:28,799 --> 00:19:33,155 1541. Michelangelo unveils the Sistine Chapel. 300 00:19:33,238 --> 00:19:37,866 1886. Seurat completes La Grand-Jatte. 301 00:19:37,956 --> 00:19:43,791 1940. Georgia O'Keeffe paints a lot of flowers that look suspiciously like vaginas. 302 00:19:43,876 --> 00:19:47,787 But in the new millennium, there is only Christobel! 303 00:19:47,874 --> 00:19:51,024 - (applause) - (fanfare) 304 00:19:53,033 --> 00:19:55,103 - Hey, that's not art. Amateur! - How jejune! 305 00:19:55,512 --> 00:19:58,709 Hey, that's my dad. Except for that one. 306 00:19:58,792 --> 00:20:00,782 That's my dad if he were a cat. 307 00:20:00,871 --> 00:20:03,146 He's the whole reason I'm here. 308 00:20:03,231 --> 00:20:06,620 Ladies and gentlemen, I apologise for these eyesores. 309 00:20:06,710 --> 00:20:10,861 I guess I was wrong about you. You're no artist. You're just a no-talent punk. 310 00:20:10,949 --> 00:20:15,146 Now hold on a second. You can talk to my daughter that way, but not my son. 311 00:20:15,228 --> 00:20:17,503 - Now, apologise. - The hell I will. 312 00:20:17,588 --> 00:20:20,579 You owe me for all that money I invested in your worthless son. 313 00:20:20,667 --> 00:20:23,783 All right. Well, here's a little something in return. 314 00:20:23,866 --> 00:20:27,494 Work of art? Or container of crazy purple knockout gas? 315 00:20:44,222 --> 00:20:48,612 Dad, I'm sorry I'm not gonna be a famous artist you can mooch off of. 316 00:20:48,701 --> 00:20:50,850 And I'm sorry I have no talent. 317 00:20:50,940 --> 00:20:55,091 Ah, that's OK, kids. So I don't have my name on an amusement park, 318 00:20:55,179 --> 00:20:57,295 and maybe I'll never be famous. 319 00:20:57,379 --> 00:21:00,336 But I got three wonderful children, and a wife that loves me. 320 00:21:00,418 --> 00:21:04,126 That's right. I guess when it comes right down to it, you're a pretty lucky... 321 00:21:04,216 --> 00:21:07,209 - (vomits) - Oh, my sentiments exactly. 322 00:21:07,297 --> 00:21:09,968 Come on, Griffins. Let's go home. 323 00:21:10,055 --> 00:21:11,932 Hey, watch where you're goin'. 324 00:21:14,254 --> 00:21:16,768 This child is beautiful. I must have him. 325 00:21:16,854 --> 00:21:20,163 You mean like Gina Gershon beautiful, or beautiful beautiful? 326 00:21:20,253 --> 00:21:23,164 Peter, this is heterosexual fashion designer Calvin Klein. 327 00:21:23,253 --> 00:21:27,643 I've been looking everywhere for a face to launch my new line of diapers. 328 00:21:27,732 --> 00:21:29,722 And I think I've found it. 329 00:21:30,331 --> 00:21:35,006 Well, Bob Funland may have his name on the sign, but only a Griffin has this. 330 00:21:38,090 --> 00:21:40,477 - (camera whirs) - Ooh! Yeah! 331 00:21:40,568 --> 00:21:43,036 Workin' it, make me want it. Yeah! 332 00:21:43,128 --> 00:21:46,278 Mm, baby! I'm gonna sex you up, baby. 333 00:21:46,367 --> 00:21:52,440 I'm going to sex you up so crazy, yeah! Oh, you're loving this, aren't you?