1 00:00:06,072 --> 00:00:10,623 All right, we're gonna use a fan brush here. I want you to take some hunter green, 2 00:00:10,712 --> 00:00:14,227 and we're gonna put a happy little bush down here in the corner. 3 00:00:14,312 --> 00:00:16,952 And that'll just be our little secret. 4 00:00:17,033 --> 00:00:20,263 And if you tell anyone that that bush is there... 5 00:00:20,953 --> 00:00:23,342 I will come to your house and I will cut you. 6 00:00:23,793 --> 00:00:27,945 Aw, jeez. Mine doesn't look anything like his. Ah, the hell with it. 7 00:00:34,194 --> 00:00:37,584 It seems today that all you see 8 00:00:37,674 --> 00:00:40,950 Is violence in movies and sex on TV 9 00:00:41,034 --> 00:00:44,583 But where are those good old-fashioned values 10 00:00:44,674 --> 00:00:46,665 On which we used to rely? 11 00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:50,905 Lucky there's a family guy 12 00:00:50,993 --> 00:00:55,909 Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us 13 00:00:55,994 --> 00:00:57,586 Laugh and cry 14 00:00:57,674 --> 00:01:02,874 He's a family guy 15 00:01:11,915 --> 00:01:17,194 Ha! Boy, you throw like a fishwife. Come on, ya hairy, lubbin', friggin' rod. 16 00:01:17,675 --> 00:01:20,428 Chris, are you gonna take that from a fisherman? 17 00:01:20,515 --> 00:01:22,790 No way! 18 00:01:23,595 --> 00:01:25,074 Argh! 19 00:01:25,155 --> 00:01:28,192 Argh! Oh, for the love of Pete! Oh! 20 00:01:31,035 --> 00:01:35,586 - I'm good. - Oh, how fun. And it's for a good cause. 21 00:01:35,676 --> 00:01:39,669 All the money goes to the families of fishermen who've been eaten by sharks. 22 00:01:40,036 --> 00:01:43,824 Ladies and gentlemen, the mayor of Quahog, Adam West. 23 00:01:43,916 --> 00:01:47,386 - (applause) - Thank you. Thank you very much. 24 00:01:47,876 --> 00:01:50,151 Thank you. Thank you. 25 00:01:50,717 --> 00:01:53,435 Thank you. Mm. Thank you. 26 00:01:53,516 --> 00:01:54,835 Thank you. 27 00:01:54,916 --> 00:02:01,152 It was 360 years ago that Quahog founder Miles "Chatterbox" Musket set sail 28 00:02:01,237 --> 00:02:03,831 for the new colony of Rhode Island. 29 00:02:04,397 --> 00:02:08,310 You know what I'm gonna do when we get to shore? First, I'm gonna have a snack. 30 00:02:08,397 --> 00:02:10,831 No, no, no. Shower first, snack second. 31 00:02:10,917 --> 00:02:13,989 I hope I see Indians! Think they'll have American cheese? 32 00:02:14,077 --> 00:02:18,867 (mayor) Ever the free thinker, Miles was thrown overboard for speaking his mind. 33 00:02:19,358 --> 00:02:21,349 He was as good as dead. 34 00:02:21,438 --> 00:02:25,226 But, as legend has it, he was saved by a magic clam, 35 00:02:25,318 --> 00:02:29,391 who brought him to shore and shared the vision of a new colony, 36 00:02:29,478 --> 00:02:32,276 which would be called Quahog. 37 00:02:32,718 --> 00:02:37,234 There are fields for tilling, woods for timber, and always the bounty of the sea. 38 00:02:37,319 --> 00:02:40,755 Look at all this sand! Do you know there are beaches with black sand? 39 00:02:40,839 --> 00:02:44,388 - Did I not pack my towel? - Are you listening? I'm trying to help. 40 00:02:44,479 --> 00:02:47,630 And help he did. Thanks to the clam's leadership, 41 00:02:47,719 --> 00:02:51,155 Quahog became a great and prosperous settlement. 42 00:02:51,239 --> 00:02:54,675 But relations between Miles and the clam soon soured. 43 00:02:54,759 --> 00:02:57,796 I know he's an Indian, but what kind of a name is Squanto? 44 00:02:57,880 --> 00:03:01,997 - Leslie or something like that would be nice. - Shut up! Just shut up! 45 00:03:02,079 --> 00:03:05,435 God! Keep it to yourself once in a while! Oh! 46 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:09,068 Here, look what I'm doing. All right? Look, watch this. 47 00:03:09,159 --> 00:03:11,674 Huh? Look. See that, see that? 48 00:03:11,760 --> 00:03:13,955 Now try it with me. Huh? OK? OK? 49 00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:15,632 (sobs) 50 00:03:16,960 --> 00:03:18,234 (sighs) 51 00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:24,038 Things only got worse. Before long, Miles began to contemplate killing the clam. 52 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:31,795 I was awake last night, Miles. 53 00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:33,678 I saw you. 54 00:03:33,761 --> 00:03:36,558 I think it's time for me to go. 55 00:03:39,721 --> 00:03:41,712 I'll send for my things. 56 00:03:44,281 --> 00:03:47,398 Wait! Don't go! I'm sorry! 57 00:03:47,481 --> 00:03:49,472 (wails) 58 00:03:50,641 --> 00:03:53,873 Miles never spoke again. But every year until his death - 59 00:03:53,962 --> 00:03:58,000 from a combination of tuberculosis and a tomahawk to the head - 60 00:03:58,081 --> 00:04:03,759 he went to the shore on this day in hopes that the magic clam would return. 61 00:04:03,841 --> 00:04:07,198 Today we citizens of Quahog continue this tradition. 62 00:04:07,882 --> 00:04:10,840 What's that? Something out at sea? 63 00:04:11,482 --> 00:04:15,031 Clam ho-o-o-o! 64 00:04:15,603 --> 00:04:18,163 - They're giving your cue, Peter. - (gasps) 65 00:04:18,242 --> 00:04:21,235 Whose idea was it to make the suit out of foam rubber? 66 00:04:21,323 --> 00:04:25,634 It's such an honour to play the magic clam. Aren't you proud of your dad, kids? 67 00:04:25,723 --> 00:04:29,557 Are you kidding? God, this is worse than having Ronald McDonald for a father. 68 00:04:31,323 --> 00:04:33,314 - Bye, Dad! Don't wait up! - Whoa! 69 00:04:33,403 --> 00:04:36,634 Come back here. You're not going out with all that make-up on. 70 00:04:36,723 --> 00:04:38,839 - But, Dad... - Upstairs! 71 00:04:38,923 --> 00:04:41,198 You're a McDonald, not a whore. 72 00:04:42,044 --> 00:04:43,272 (huffs) 73 00:04:43,363 --> 00:04:45,355 I think I got a wave here! 74 00:04:49,964 --> 00:04:50,999 (crowd gasps) 75 00:04:52,444 --> 00:04:54,753 Huh. So that's what Peter's penis looks like. 76 00:04:55,284 --> 00:04:59,755 How could you embarrass me?! Nobody better pull this crap at my slumber party. 77 00:04:59,844 --> 00:05:03,280 Don't worry. You and your friends are gonna have a great time. 78 00:05:03,364 --> 00:05:05,639 Yes, yes, how delightful it will be. 79 00:05:05,725 --> 00:05:10,640 A pubescent herd of gabby wretches prattling on about boys and music 80 00:05:10,725 --> 00:05:13,522 and jellybeans and stickers... 81 00:05:13,805 --> 00:05:18,435 Oh, we'd better stop by the hospital so I can get my cooties shot. 82 00:05:21,045 --> 00:05:22,364 Shut up. 83 00:05:22,445 --> 00:05:24,800 Just leave me and my friends alone tonight. 84 00:05:24,885 --> 00:05:29,163 Meg, will you relax? None of us are gonna do anything to embarrass you. 85 00:05:29,245 --> 00:05:31,554 Jeez, I gotta get gas. 86 00:05:32,565 --> 00:05:36,605 Hey, any of you guys want a soda? I'm gonna go inside and get a soda. 87 00:05:36,686 --> 00:05:37,675 Mom! 88 00:05:37,766 --> 00:05:40,644 Meg, you know your father loves you very much. 89 00:05:41,606 --> 00:05:43,881 - Mr Griffin? - Oh, my God. 90 00:05:43,966 --> 00:05:47,675 Hey, Meg, it's Kevin from next door. I didn't know you worked here. 91 00:05:47,766 --> 00:05:50,803 Hey, Kevin, come here. Come here! Say hi to Meg. 92 00:05:50,886 --> 00:05:53,081 She's right in there, right there. 93 00:05:53,166 --> 00:05:54,155 (Meg groans) 94 00:05:55,606 --> 00:06:00,236 OK, I'd put Brad Pitt's face on Brendan Fraser's body 95 00:06:00,326 --> 00:06:02,715 with Ben Affleck's butt. 96 00:06:02,807 --> 00:06:05,605 - (all scream and giggle) - My turn, my turn. 97 00:06:05,687 --> 00:06:09,600 I'd take James Brolin's face, Mark Spitz's body, 98 00:06:09,687 --> 00:06:12,997 and Milton Berle's legendary genitals. Ah! 99 00:06:13,088 --> 00:06:17,080 - Mom, what are you doing? - I love slumber parties. 100 00:06:17,167 --> 00:06:21,400 OK, truth or dare. Who here has gone all the way? Hm? 101 00:06:21,488 --> 00:06:25,925 At my sleepovers, we used to practise French kissing. Now, everybody pair up. 102 00:06:26,008 --> 00:06:29,603 - (Chris) All right, Mom! - Chris, get outta here right now! 103 00:06:30,128 --> 00:06:33,598 - Um... I can't. - OK, finish up and then come out. 104 00:06:33,688 --> 00:06:35,963 Lois, have you seen my fake beard? 105 00:06:36,048 --> 00:06:38,608 Oh, crap! I'm stuck in the stairs. 106 00:06:38,688 --> 00:06:40,724 Oh, God, kill me now. 107 00:06:42,168 --> 00:06:44,160 (phone) 108 00:06:45,688 --> 00:06:47,167 Hello. 109 00:06:47,249 --> 00:06:49,125 Karen! 110 00:06:49,488 --> 00:06:54,119 All right, Meg, I need you to boil some water. Girls, I'm gonna need towels. Lots of 'em. 111 00:06:54,209 --> 00:06:57,565 - OK, let's go. - Oh, jeez. I'm sorry, Meg's friends. 112 00:06:57,649 --> 00:07:01,847 Look, I'll make it up to you. I'll get you Davy Jones for your school dance. 113 00:07:02,649 --> 00:07:06,882 - Ow! Ah, jeez! Lois, what is that? Acid? - You guys are ruining my life! 114 00:07:06,970 --> 00:07:09,722 I'm sorry, honey. I know how you must feel. 115 00:07:09,809 --> 00:07:14,280 If you care about me, you won't show your faces for the rest of the night. 116 00:07:14,369 --> 00:07:17,009 Well, then it's a good thing I have this. 117 00:07:17,090 --> 00:07:19,684 (imitates Richard Nixon) I am not a crook. 118 00:07:20,970 --> 00:07:24,485 Look, I mean it. All of you. Oh, God, where's Stewie? 119 00:07:24,810 --> 00:07:28,166 Well, Beth, what do you think? Does Mark find you attractive? 120 00:07:28,250 --> 00:07:31,242 - (giggles) I don't know. - Well, have you asked him? 121 00:07:31,330 --> 00:07:32,649 Not exactly. 122 00:07:33,011 --> 00:07:36,082 All right, let's try some role-playing. I'll be Mark. 123 00:07:36,170 --> 00:07:40,561 You ask me out to the box social or whatever the devil it is you children do these days. 124 00:07:42,291 --> 00:07:44,281 (Lois) Peter, don't! 125 00:07:44,371 --> 00:07:48,762 God, your hand is like ice! Just here. Give it to me. 126 00:07:48,851 --> 00:07:52,002 Ooh, that'll warm it up a little. (giggles) 127 00:07:52,091 --> 00:07:54,400 Oh, that's nice. 128 00:07:54,732 --> 00:07:56,483 (Peter) Oh! Oh! Oh! 129 00:07:56,571 --> 00:07:58,766 - Peter, wait till... - Sha... shaargh! 130 00:07:59,051 --> 00:08:01,007 (sighs) Oh, Peter. 131 00:08:04,212 --> 00:08:05,769 - Argh! - Argh! 132 00:08:08,772 --> 00:08:12,082 - What happened to your friends? - My family scared them away. 133 00:08:12,172 --> 00:08:16,405 I wish there was some way I could make them understand how embarrassing they are. 134 00:08:16,492 --> 00:08:18,448 Welcome back to "Diane!" 135 00:08:18,532 --> 00:08:21,365 Erica, it's time for Mario's little confession. 136 00:08:21,812 --> 00:08:25,122 Erica, you know I love you, but I gotta come clean. 137 00:08:25,973 --> 00:08:28,885 I'm... I'm not really a man. 138 00:08:28,973 --> 00:08:31,646 I'm a woman. 139 00:08:31,813 --> 00:08:34,043 Oh, my God. You're a woman? 140 00:08:34,133 --> 00:08:37,603 Well, actually, I'm not really a woman. 141 00:08:37,693 --> 00:08:40,082 I'm a horse. 142 00:08:40,173 --> 00:08:42,642 Oh, my God. You're a horse? 143 00:08:42,734 --> 00:08:45,406 Actually, I'm not really a horse. 144 00:08:45,493 --> 00:08:47,485 I'm a broom. 145 00:08:50,894 --> 00:08:54,045 OK, OK. So, how do you feel? 146 00:08:54,414 --> 00:08:57,884 To be honest with you, Diane, I'm surprised. 147 00:09:03,095 --> 00:09:07,885 Man, this is a great show. They drag these idiots up on stage and then blindside 'em. 148 00:09:07,975 --> 00:09:11,011 Like this one guy, didn't know he was actually two midgets. 149 00:09:11,095 --> 00:09:13,529 Oh, those poor, unsuspecting people. 150 00:09:13,615 --> 00:09:16,526 Well, maybe some of them deserved it. 151 00:09:18,375 --> 00:09:20,935 Hello, and welcome to Diane! 152 00:09:21,254 --> 00:09:24,804 Today's guest is tired of being embarrassed by her family. 153 00:09:24,895 --> 00:09:29,367 - Meg, how did you get these tickets again? - Let's bring them up right now. 154 00:09:29,456 --> 00:09:32,686 Whatever problems we have can be settled in the privacy of... 155 00:09:32,776 --> 00:09:35,892 - (Diane) The Griffin family. - (laughs) Suckers. 156 00:09:37,336 --> 00:09:38,530 Uh-oh. 157 00:09:41,896 --> 00:09:45,571 And we're back. Griffins, do you have anything to say to your daughter? 158 00:09:45,656 --> 00:09:51,288 I can't believe you'd do this to us, Meg. Maybe now I won't give you the antidote. 159 00:09:51,376 --> 00:09:55,130 - To what? - To the poison you just drank! 160 00:09:56,656 --> 00:09:59,125 See what I mean? This is not normal. 161 00:09:59,776 --> 00:10:04,009 You there, Bingo. It seems the naughty baby has made a messy-poo in his... 162 00:10:04,097 --> 00:10:06,929 I say, what's this? Volume. Volume! 163 00:10:07,017 --> 00:10:10,976 Look, what's the big deal? I mean, we're just a regular American family. 164 00:10:11,057 --> 00:10:13,525 We have family dinners, and we go to church... 165 00:10:13,617 --> 00:10:16,178 Yeah, and you even manage to humiliate me there. 166 00:10:18,977 --> 00:10:21,730 - Whoa! Is that really the blood of Christ? - Yes. 167 00:10:21,818 --> 00:10:24,889 Man! That guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, huh? 168 00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:27,688 We have a caller on the line. Go ahead. 169 00:10:27,778 --> 00:10:31,895 (Stewie) Yes. Yes. I say, do you have Prince Albert in a can? 170 00:10:33,658 --> 00:10:36,491 Quiet, quiet, quiet. Shut up. Shut up. 171 00:10:36,578 --> 00:10:39,376 Well, you'd better let him out! 172 00:10:41,058 --> 00:10:42,492 That's hilarious! 173 00:10:42,579 --> 00:10:46,207 Meg, you have two parents who love you and... 174 00:10:46,298 --> 00:10:50,929 What does that say under me? Oh, go (bleep) yourself, Diane. 175 00:10:51,018 --> 00:10:53,772 - (audience gasps) - She said a swear! 176 00:10:54,099 --> 00:10:58,216 Peter, do you think there might be any validity to what Meg is feeling? 177 00:10:58,298 --> 00:11:00,494 Who are you callin' Uncle Tom?! 178 00:11:00,578 --> 00:11:02,854 - What? - OK, time out. 179 00:11:02,940 --> 00:11:06,455 This kind of acrimony isn't gonna resolve our differences. 180 00:11:06,540 --> 00:11:09,212 Just shut up and throw a chair. 181 00:11:09,299 --> 00:11:11,369 - OK. - Argh! 182 00:11:13,580 --> 00:11:15,012 Hm. 183 00:11:16,820 --> 00:11:19,050 Uh-oh. Fire! Fire! 184 00:11:19,140 --> 00:11:22,496 City Hall is burning! Don't worry. I'll put it out. 185 00:11:22,860 --> 00:11:24,418 (imitates siren) 186 00:11:24,500 --> 00:11:27,173 - (laughs) - Hey, great show out there. 187 00:11:27,260 --> 00:11:31,970 If you want an autograph, you either gotta give me a pen or get me some snow. 188 00:11:32,060 --> 00:11:35,939 I look at you and I see a series. We would like to put cameras in your house 189 00:11:36,021 --> 00:11:39,491 and follow the drama that is your family. Kinda like The Real World. 190 00:11:39,581 --> 00:11:42,617 All right! Then everyone'd get to see me and my wacky antics. 191 00:11:44,181 --> 00:11:45,819 Bleh! 192 00:12:05,661 --> 00:12:08,460 - So, do we have a deal? - Let's shake on it. 193 00:12:14,582 --> 00:12:17,097 Mom, are we on TV right now? 194 00:12:17,183 --> 00:12:19,742 Yes, Chris. Your father signed a contract, 195 00:12:19,822 --> 00:12:23,133 and now we're gonna be on TV for the next six months. 196 00:12:23,222 --> 00:12:27,135 How could you do this? You turned my life into the 24-hour Loser Channel. 197 00:12:27,222 --> 00:12:30,692 You! Cameraman! Make sure you use that Cybill Shepherd filter. 198 00:12:30,783 --> 00:12:34,298 If it makes her look half-human, it'll take six months off my face. 199 00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:36,737 Um... 200 00:12:36,823 --> 00:12:41,692 I... I find the toothpaste with a pump is a little easier to get on the brush. 201 00:12:42,463 --> 00:12:45,740 Um... you might have noticed my underwear has a hole in it. 202 00:12:45,824 --> 00:12:49,657 It's... you know... I don't see any reason to throw it out. 203 00:12:49,743 --> 00:12:54,864 The waist is still fine, you know... You can see it's still real stretchy. 204 00:12:54,944 --> 00:12:56,979 Mom, you have to do something! 205 00:12:57,064 --> 00:13:01,023 Dad's on TV parading around in his underwear like some gross European guy! 206 00:13:01,104 --> 00:13:05,495 Oh, now, sweetie, your father is just a free spirit. 207 00:13:05,584 --> 00:13:09,658 Here. A good breakfast is the foundation of a good day. 208 00:13:09,745 --> 00:13:14,135 And a bad breakfast is the foundation of indigestion. Hey-oh! 209 00:13:15,345 --> 00:13:17,380 Hi. I'm Brian. 210 00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:20,900 What the hell is this? I said egg whites only! 211 00:13:20,984 --> 00:13:25,535 Are you trying to give me a bloody heart attack? Make it again! 212 00:13:25,625 --> 00:13:27,934 Ah, the breakfast thing. 213 00:13:28,025 --> 00:13:31,256 Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really. 214 00:13:31,346 --> 00:13:35,099 Frankly, I like the yolks. I don't... I have no problem. 215 00:13:35,185 --> 00:13:38,939 It's just there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, 216 00:13:39,025 --> 00:13:42,143 and it's not so much that I want to kill her, 217 00:13:43,026 --> 00:13:46,575 it's just I want her not to be alive any more. 218 00:13:47,746 --> 00:13:52,820 I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult, and then I think to myself 219 00:13:52,906 --> 00:13:58,060 "My God! Wouldn't it be marvellous if I turned out to be a homosexual?" 220 00:14:03,186 --> 00:14:06,782 One time my dad pooped in the neighbours' yard, then lied about it. 221 00:14:06,867 --> 00:14:10,496 I knew it! Well, I'm glad I used his shovel to clean it up. 222 00:14:10,587 --> 00:14:14,819 Wow! Joe, this sort of makes you like Larry from Three's Company. 223 00:14:14,907 --> 00:14:17,341 You know, I always thought he was sexy. 224 00:14:17,627 --> 00:14:20,540 Yes! I am all about Larry over here! 225 00:14:25,268 --> 00:14:29,419 Um, on Sundays we generally catch the early-bird special 226 00:14:29,508 --> 00:14:31,783 here at the Lobster Shanty. 227 00:14:31,868 --> 00:14:34,701 There's fresh seafood, good prices. 228 00:14:34,788 --> 00:14:39,942 - Plus... it's a shanty. - And you get to pick your own lobster. 229 00:14:40,028 --> 00:14:42,667 Yes. That one looks like he's got some fight in him. 230 00:14:42,748 --> 00:14:45,547 Take off the rubber bands! I'm going in. 231 00:14:45,828 --> 00:14:50,345 Oh, my God, it is them! I can't believe the Griffins eat here like everyday people. 232 00:14:50,429 --> 00:14:52,306 We're, like, trying to eat here. 233 00:14:52,389 --> 00:14:55,267 - Meg, put your bib on. - I don't wanna wear a bib. 234 00:14:55,348 --> 00:15:01,106 Meg, honey, it's very cold in here. Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on. 235 00:15:01,189 --> 00:15:04,659 - She means your nipples are stickin' out. - Mom! 236 00:15:04,749 --> 00:15:05,977 Nipples! Nipples! 237 00:15:06,069 --> 00:15:08,822 That's it! I want those cameras off! 238 00:15:08,909 --> 00:15:12,106 Fourth wall! You're breaking the fourth wall! 239 00:15:12,189 --> 00:15:15,659 Meg, you're the one that got us on TV in the first place. 240 00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:19,060 Well, now I am getting us off TV. I quit. 241 00:15:19,750 --> 00:15:21,980 Hm. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. 242 00:15:22,070 --> 00:15:24,265 We can't do the show without Meg. 243 00:15:24,350 --> 00:15:28,628 Why not? Our research shows that Meg is the least popular character on the show. 244 00:15:28,710 --> 00:15:33,625 But everyone loves the rest of you. Lois, women 25 to 49 see you as a role model. 245 00:15:33,710 --> 00:15:35,507 - Really? - Absolutely. 246 00:15:35,590 --> 00:15:38,059 - What about me? - You?! 247 00:15:38,151 --> 00:15:41,746 Look, the bottom line is you folks are still under contract, OK? 248 00:15:41,831 --> 00:15:45,346 But I've come up with a solution I think will make everyone happy. 249 00:15:48,431 --> 00:15:50,706 - Jason Gallagher. - Present. 250 00:15:50,791 --> 00:15:52,065 Meg Griffin. 251 00:15:52,151 --> 00:15:54,949 - Oh, sorry I'm late, Mr... - Here. 252 00:16:03,871 --> 00:16:05,863 - Hello? - Over here. 253 00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:10,022 - Thank you for meeting us here. Cigarette? - Peter. 254 00:16:10,112 --> 00:16:13,104 - Sorry. We have to keep this brief. - Why are we here? 255 00:16:13,191 --> 00:16:17,708 No cameras. The TV executives don't want viewers to be confused and think you're Meg. 256 00:16:17,792 --> 00:16:20,750 - You're gonna let them recast me? - Could've been worse. 257 00:16:20,832 --> 00:16:23,631 They could've gone with plan B. 258 00:16:24,232 --> 00:16:27,350 - Brian, put a mask on. - I have an announcement. 259 00:16:28,072 --> 00:16:31,588 "Meg Griffin's plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan." 260 00:16:32,153 --> 00:16:35,145 "It spun in. There were no survivors." 261 00:16:37,593 --> 00:16:39,470 Who do I see about a Section Eight? 262 00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:42,222 Fine! Do your stupid show without me. 263 00:16:42,313 --> 00:16:46,386 I'll be at Cleveland's house. I don't wanna be a part of this family any more. 264 00:16:46,474 --> 00:16:48,304 - Meg! - She'll be OK. 265 00:16:48,393 --> 00:16:52,068 We gotta go. The cameramen think we're taking Chris to soccer practice. 266 00:16:52,154 --> 00:16:56,750 We're gonna be late! Why won't you talk to me?! 267 00:16:58,354 --> 00:17:02,108 Oh, Meg, honey, our home is your home for as long as you like. 268 00:17:02,194 --> 00:17:04,264 We could offer you the guest room, 269 00:17:04,354 --> 00:17:09,144 provided that it doesn't bother you that my Great Uncle Chet died in there. 270 00:17:09,234 --> 00:17:11,225 Oh. I guess not. 271 00:17:11,314 --> 00:17:13,350 Uh, when did he die? 272 00:17:13,434 --> 00:17:17,825 We think sometime between The Tonight Show and The Today Show. 273 00:17:18,835 --> 00:17:20,826 (laughs) 274 00:17:23,195 --> 00:17:26,505 You know, some people think that dandelions are weeds, 275 00:17:26,595 --> 00:17:29,393 but, uh, you know, I always think... 276 00:17:30,235 --> 00:17:33,033 who the hell decided tulips were so great? 277 00:17:34,915 --> 00:17:37,224 Hey. Hey, I'm over here. Hey! 278 00:17:42,075 --> 00:17:44,543 - Hi, Chris. - You know my name? 279 00:17:44,636 --> 00:17:48,185 Of course I do, silly. I'm your sister, Meg. 280 00:17:48,276 --> 00:17:49,345 Oh. 281 00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:51,711 Uh, I don't know if Mom and Dad told you, 282 00:17:51,796 --> 00:17:55,550 but we usually have breakfast naked and I'm allowed to videotape it. 283 00:17:55,636 --> 00:18:00,266 Ooh, my skin's getting so slippery. Hope I don't pop out of my top. 284 00:18:00,356 --> 00:18:01,550 Ohh. 285 00:18:01,957 --> 00:18:05,995 Hey, camera guy, check this out. "Peter Griffin and Madame." 286 00:18:06,076 --> 00:18:09,466 Oh, Madame, you're a lusty old girl, aren't you? 287 00:18:09,556 --> 00:18:12,117 You're the one with your hand up my backside. 288 00:18:12,197 --> 00:18:14,711 Oh! She got me. 289 00:18:15,356 --> 00:18:19,396 Hey! Hey, come back here! She's gonna sing "Rainbow Connection"! 290 00:18:21,837 --> 00:18:24,067 Mr Quagmire, can I use your toothpaste? 291 00:18:24,157 --> 00:18:25,989 (gasps) Oh, my God! Excuse me. 292 00:18:26,077 --> 00:18:30,150 No problem, Meg. You probably bought me another three minutes. Giggedy-giggedy! 293 00:18:32,117 --> 00:18:34,427 The funniest thing happened at work today. 294 00:18:34,517 --> 00:18:35,633 - There was... - Hi. 295 00:18:35,717 --> 00:18:37,868 - (Peter) Hey! - I had the worst day. 296 00:18:37,958 --> 00:18:40,631 I didn't make cheerleader because I'm so plain, 297 00:18:40,718 --> 00:18:43,835 and I still don't have a date for Friday night, as usual. 298 00:18:43,918 --> 00:18:49,356 I'm going to write in my journal about how I'll never grow big, full breasts like these. 299 00:18:54,799 --> 00:18:59,270 It's not fair. If I don't get any airtime, how am I ever gonna get my own spin-off 300 00:18:59,359 --> 00:19:02,715 where I'm a retired baseball umpire who opens a bar? 301 00:19:03,399 --> 00:19:05,708 At the centre of the earth! 302 00:19:08,599 --> 00:19:11,433 We don't get many of you molten-rock men in here. 303 00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:14,431 Well, at these prices I'm not surprised. 304 00:19:14,519 --> 00:19:18,751 That's it, pal, you... are... outta here! 305 00:19:18,839 --> 00:19:20,876 (audience laughs) 306 00:19:21,279 --> 00:19:25,876 To hell with the cameras. How could we ever let them replace our little girl? 307 00:19:25,959 --> 00:19:27,312 I miss her, Peter. 308 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:31,917 Me too. She's like that dorky Baldwin brother who isn't as good-Iooking or successful 309 00:19:32,000 --> 00:19:36,198 and never answers my letters, but he's still a Baldwin, dammit, and so is Meg. 310 00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:37,952 Let's go get her back! 311 00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:41,353 - What can I do for you? - I'll tell you what you can do. 312 00:19:41,441 --> 00:19:45,592 Fire that sexy, interesting version of our daughter and make us a family again, 313 00:19:45,681 --> 00:19:46,715 or we walk. 314 00:19:46,801 --> 00:19:49,917 Fire her? She's the highest-testing character on the show! 315 00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:53,277 - Besides, you can't quit. You have a contract. - Oh, yeah? 316 00:19:53,361 --> 00:19:55,955 Well, here's what I think of your contract. 317 00:19:56,041 --> 00:19:59,795 I think it's awful and I don't much care for it at all, my good sir. 318 00:19:59,881 --> 00:20:01,553 Lois, we're outta here. 319 00:20:01,642 --> 00:20:06,669 Well, you put me in a very awkward position, Peter, but I guess I have no choice. 320 00:20:11,082 --> 00:20:13,471 Mom? Dad? 321 00:20:13,562 --> 00:20:15,314 I'm home! 322 00:20:15,402 --> 00:20:17,313 - Who are you? - We're the Griffins. 323 00:20:17,402 --> 00:20:19,962 No, you're not. You're Tom Arnold. 324 00:20:20,042 --> 00:20:24,514 And you're Fran Drescher. And you're, um, that fat guy from Boogie Nights. 325 00:20:25,242 --> 00:20:27,710 And you're... the Olsen twins? 326 00:20:27,802 --> 00:20:30,999 Blast! Damn you all. Victory is mine. 327 00:20:31,082 --> 00:20:34,075 Whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here? 328 00:20:37,842 --> 00:20:43,634 Oh, Peter, you promised me you wouldn't drink at the stag party. 329 00:20:43,723 --> 00:20:45,714 (laughs nasally) 330 00:20:47,483 --> 00:20:50,475 Ugh! I do not sound like that. 331 00:20:50,563 --> 00:20:54,761 This is terrible! We're the laughing stock of the town and we've lost our daughter. 332 00:20:54,843 --> 00:20:56,402 (knocking) 333 00:20:58,283 --> 00:21:00,400 - Meg! - Oh, Mom! 334 00:21:00,484 --> 00:21:04,192 Look, I don't care if you guys embarrass me. I wanna come home. 335 00:21:04,283 --> 00:21:07,401 Oh, sweetie, it's good to have you back. 336 00:21:07,484 --> 00:21:10,760 Hey, honey, I'm sorry we missed your ball game. 337 00:21:10,844 --> 00:21:11,959 What? 338 00:21:12,044 --> 00:21:15,036 Here's an ice cream. We love you, Meg. 339 00:21:15,124 --> 00:21:16,523 I love you too. 340 00:21:28,805 --> 00:21:31,000 Hey, Lois, there's a Bible in here. 341 00:21:31,085 --> 00:21:36,682 Hey, look at me! I'm a Christian! I'm reading the Bible!