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It seems today that all you see

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Is violence in movies and sex on TV

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But where are those
good old-fashioned values

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On which we used to rely?

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Lucky there's a family guy

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Lucky there's a man who positively
can do all the things that make us

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Laugh and cry

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He's a family guy

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Billiam, are you there?

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Stewie!

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- Wh-what the devil are you doing here?
- Billiam sent me.

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He wanted me to tell you I killed him.

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Now give me the other half of the amulet.
I don't think you'll be making it to Marrakech.

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Don't! Please!

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No!

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Jeffrey, take the 9pm to Hounslow
out of your mouth.

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Oh, look at that.
Our little boys are becomin' fast friends.

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I say, Jeffrey, be a sport, will you, and go get
the sifter so we can build our sand village.

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That's right. A little further.

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Everyone, meet Jeffrey, the newest member
of the club of forgotten children.

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Steve walks warily down the street
with his brim pulled way down low

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- What the hell are you doing?
- Takin' down the Christmas decorations.

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Peter, I'm concerned about Stewie. He
doesn't seem to play well with other children.

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Oh, he's fine. You know, I was quite
a troublemaker myself when I was a kid.

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Your parents'll be home any minute.
Are you sure you don't want me to clean up?

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No, no, no. Go. Go. It'll be funny.

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Stewie needs to learn
to socialise with other children.

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- Maybe we should put him in daycare.
- Lois, his answers are out on the open road.

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I say we give him a hobo pack on a stick,
a can of beans and a pocketful of dreams.

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Peter, do you even know which one
of our children I'm talking about?

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Gordon?

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I got 'em! Ha-ha-ha! It's just like hunting.

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Chris, stop it.
What will the neighbours think?

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Abner! Abner! The Griffin boy
just killed a plastic reindeer!

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Gladys, it took me two hours to work up
the courage to rent this porno.

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Now, are you gonna watch it with me or not?

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OK, Mommy's leaving you here for a while.
Try to play nice with the other children.

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What do you mean, you're leaving me here?
What is this place?

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- Come on, let go.
- Why, you soulless witch!

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This is a biogenetic
experimentation facility, isn't it? Admit it!

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Oh, sweetheart, don't be upset.
You're gonna have fun here.

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Look, if this is about the whole
me-killing-you thing, it was a bit!

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I was doing shtick, I tell you!

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Humina-humina-humina!

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Oh! I'm so bored. Without Stewie around,
I have nothin' to do.

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- Well... we could get hammered.
- Oh, it's too early for me, but you go ahead.

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What happened to me?

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You know, before I was married,
I led a very exciting life.

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Oh, my God! The actress who was
the girl in Escape from Witch Mountain!

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Maybe a part-time job
would liven up your days.

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Brian! That's a terrific idea!

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A job? Lois, the '70s are over. Forget it.

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Mom, you can't get a job.
The last time you left Dad home alone,

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he turned the house into a giant puppet.

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Hey. Hey! Stay outta here. Hey!

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Nobody better come in here. 
I'm the Griffins' house.

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Bring me a tool shed, for I am hungry.

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Uh... If you get a job,

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who's gonna feed me and protect me
from the evil monkey in my closet?

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Now, Chris, you know there's no such thing.

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No!

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- Oh, now you've gone and upset the boy.
- Peter, this is a new chapter in my life.

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The kids are growin', the nest is empty,
and I need some excitement.

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What are you talkin' about?
Your life is plenty exciting. For example...

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There you go! Good night.

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Duck.

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Duck. Duck.

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I say, does anyone know how
The Practice ended last night? I dozed off.

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Goose!

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Oh, dear. It seems you're still it.

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Stewie, what have you done?
That's not the way we play.

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You sit here, Brad. Stewie's it.

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Ooh! Aren't you the one in charge!

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Oh, let's see, now. Duck. Duck.

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Duck.

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Goose!

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Oh, come on, now. I barely touched you.

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Really. Stop it. Stop your boohooing.
Stop it, I say. Stop it!

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You see? You see? This is exactly
why people don't respect the WNBA.

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Hey, guys, guys, get this.
So Lois wants a part-time job, right?

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So I'm, like, I got a job
for you, baby... right here!

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The zipper's been broken for over a month.
I gotta use a damn safety pin.

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If Lois is lookin' for a thrill,
I could get her a job with the airline.

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Stewardesses get to travel to exotic places,
and their husbands fly anywhere for free.

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Fly for free?

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Sorry, Tink. Looks like
I don't need you any more.

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So, what? You're just gonna dump me?
Just like that?

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You knew what this was.

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A flight attendant? Wow, that does sound
exciting. What made you change your mind?

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- Just my desire to see you happy.
- Oh!

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And to exploit your hard labour for free
travel.

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- What?
- Shh!

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I didn't say anything.
Go to sleep, crazy lady.

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Oh, Rupert, I can't sleep. I don't suppose
you have any Valium on you?

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No, of course not. You're living the clean life
now. It's that pathetic little insect in daycare.

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Janet.

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Whining, insignificant wisp of fluff, she is.

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Still, I find it odd that she's even on my mind
at all. What the deuce has come over me?

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Well, well, well.

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- Looks like someone's in love.
- Ha! That's so funny I forgot to laugh.

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- Excluding that first "Ha".
- You're a sucker for a woman with blue eyes.

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- Aha! Her eyes are green!
- Thank you for proving my point.

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Damn!

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Look at her, Leonard, sitting there
with her curly ebony locks

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and those pouty come-hither lips.
My God, she's unappealing.

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- Go!
- Who said that? Mm?

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Who's got the big diapers? Huh?

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She's gone. Good. Well, I'm off.

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Hi, Stewie.

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H... Um... Er... Y-y...

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Leonard, you pudgy-faced apple-john,
I will not be made a fool of!

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Here's your pillow, sir.
And your Sports Illustrated.

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- He's putting his arm on my armrest.
- It's my armrest.

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Is not, stupid head! And he keeps
tryin' to take my apple juice.

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- I'll bring you your own juice.
- Agh!

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Hey, he keeps licking his finger
and touching me!

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Hey, fellas, I hope you're hungry. Aagh!

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Oh, my God! Oh, no, my Go...

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Somebody help. Help. Help!

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That was great.
Look at her, she's still shakin'.

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Bastards.

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That was beautiful.
Hey, throw me a beer, would ya?

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Stewardess, the plane just made
my beer spill. I want a free one.

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Sir, all your beers have been free.
All nine of them.

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And don't you forget it, Frenchie.

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Now bring me another one -
the movie's startin'.

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Oh, come on.

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Show me Morgan Fairchild in
deep something. Huh? Huh? Huh?

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Ah, you don't care.
Hey, Frenchie, is my fort ready?

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Yes, Mr Griffin, even though
no one else has any pillows now.

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All right!

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I tell you, Leonard,
women are wicked creatures.

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They precipitated the downfall
of history's most powerful men!

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So let it be known I want absolutely nothing
to do with the wretched enterprise of love!

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Janet's coming.

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Agh!

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Argh!

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Aa... Er, yes. Yes.

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Hi. Cookie?

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No, no, actually, it's Stewie, but, well,
you can call me Cookie if you like.

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Yes. I... Yes, I've also been known to answer
to Artemis, Agent Buchwald and Snake.

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Yes. Yes, I rather like "Snake".

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Snake Griffin.

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Cookie!

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Oh! Oh, you want my cookie?
Oh, yes, by all means. Here you are.

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Oops, a little bit broke off there.

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Well, that's the way the cookie crumbles!

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Yes. Yes. Yes, you'II... you'll get that one
halfway back to your mat. Ha! Ha... Oh, God.

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Oh, Cupid, hast thou pierced me
with thine sweet, searing arrow?

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Stomach, cease thy lustful quake.

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Argh! Unhand me, woman.
I don't have gas, I'm in love!

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Well, then, I guess it's both.

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Peter! I'm home!

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How was your day?

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Uh, my day?

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Hey. Hey.

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You OK there, Mr Crocodile? Huh?

158
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Wake up, wake up, wake up.
You need some lotion, Mr Bad Skin?

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Huh? Huh? Huh? There you go.

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Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh!
Oh, God! Oh, God! Agh! Agh! Agh!

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Oh, uh, my-my-my day was OK.

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You know, the usual. How about yours,
my little sky princess? Bet it was excitin'.

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Oh, yeah, if you like runnin' through
a gauntlet of drunk, horny businessmen.

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My ass feels like a pincushion.
I'm thinkin' of quittin'.

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What? Lois, you can't quit.
What if Kurt Cobain had quit?

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Thank you. And remember, say no to drugs.

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Kurt, the label's excited
about your seventh album.

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Thanks. You remember
my wife Courtney Love?

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Who?

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Well, I guess I'll give it a little
more time. It's like I always tell the kids -

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- A quitter never wins, and don't trust whitey.
- That's the spirit.

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All right, here I go.

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- Stewie!
- Hello, Janet. How about a push?

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Argh!

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Yes. Yes, I suppose that was
rather funny, wasn't it?

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You know, it's odd, Janet, but when
I'm with you, I... Oh, how do I describe it?

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Excuse me?

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- I said "May I have a blanket?"
- Oh, yes. Of course.

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Ha! I said "Will you be my wife?" You said
yes, so it is official. Let me touch your face.

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Lois, we could use your help in coach.

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00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:19,900
OK. Everyone? It's time
for my one-man show -

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"Winston Churchill, We Hardly Knew Ye".

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00:14:23,100 --> 00:14:24,900
OK, Act One.

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I'm Winston Churchill.
Ooh, would you like some tea?

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I would, because I'm Winston Churchill.

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Would you like a crumpet?
I would, because I'm Winston Churchill.

187
00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:38,800
Would you like to wear knickers?
I would, because I'm W...

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- My wife is very ill!
- Yes, do you mind?

189
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I paid $380 for this flight.

190
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:46,900
$380? Jeez, I hope they kissed you first.

191
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:50,400
This is my fourth trip today.
Just this mornin' I went to Kentucky.

192
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Wait a second. You're tellin' me I flew all the
way to Kentucky to get some fried chicken,

193
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and the Colonel isn't even workin' today?

194
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He ain't real. He dead.

195
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- What?
- I say he dead.

196
00:15:03,400 --> 00:15:05,400
Is Mr Sanders in?

197
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What wrong with you? I say you he dead.

198
00:15:09,100 --> 00:15:10,300
The Colonel!

199
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:13,900
My wife is a stewardess, so I can
fly anywhere and I don't pay jack!

200
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- Peter!
- Lois!

201
00:15:17,900 --> 00:15:21,700
You convinced me to keep a job I hate
just so you could fly free?!

202
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:25,400
If I talked real loud like that,
I could make you look like the bad guy.

203
00:15:25,500 --> 00:15:28,900
My feet are killing me,
I've got vomit in my pocket

204
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and I've seen that crappy
Julia Roberts movie 47 times!

205
00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:36,600
Have you seen the lips on that woman?
It's like a baboon's ass on her face!

206
00:15:36,700 --> 00:15:41,400
Peter, I took this job for the excitement,
and you're the one who's havin' it all!

207
00:15:41,500 --> 00:15:46,300
Oh, it's excitement you want, huh? Well,
how'd you like to join the Mile High Club?

208
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Come on. You be the stewardess, and I'll be
the mysterious stranger who's drillin' you.

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- Ugh! Move. I have a lot of work to do.
- I can't, I'm stuck.

210
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- The passengers need me.
- They're watchin' the movie. They're fine.

211
00:15:58,900 --> 00:16:01,100
OK, everyone, this is a hijacking.

212
00:16:01,200 --> 00:16:03,200
Peter, could you move your arm, please?

213
00:16:03,300 --> 00:16:06,400
- Uh. Yeah. Lois. Lois.
- Please. Move it over. Try to the...

214
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- God, it's like movin' a futon.
- Lois!

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00:16:08,700 --> 00:16:13,300
- Just slide your leg over... Peter, please!
- Oh. Oh, no, no. Oh! Oh!

216
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:17,400
Well, Lois, at least one of us
is in the Mile High Club.

217
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:26,500
Well, the hijacking of Flight 52 is over.
The plane has safely landed in Cuba,

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00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:30,600
and all Americans aboard are on
their way home, except one couple -

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00:16:30,700 --> 00:16:34,100
a fat man who is inexplicably
married to an attractive redhead.

220
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:37,800
Here's an artist's rendering
of what they might look like.

221
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:46,100
I called Brian. He's gonna watch the kids till
we get back. When will our passports arrive?

222
00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:50,000
- Check back in two weeks.
- Two weeks?! But I have a baby at home!

223
00:16:50,100 --> 00:16:55,000
We would have sent you with the others, but
we didn't know you were stuck in the toilet.

224
00:16:55,100 --> 00:16:57,900
- We weren't doin' what you're thinking.
- I was.

225
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:01,100
- We apologise for the hijacking.
- Ah, that's OK.

226
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:04,000
You people aren't like
the communists they show on TV.

227
00:17:04,300 --> 00:17:07,000
We now return to "The Communists".

228
00:17:09,600 --> 00:17:13,800
I hear report cards vere handed out today.
Vot were your grades?

229
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:16,300
Uh... uh... uh...

230
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:20,400
Qvit Stalin and answer your father.

231
00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:24,900
Go ahead, honey, and tell us your... Marx.

232
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:28,800
- Do I Khrushchev?
- Did somebody say Khrushchev?

233
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:38,000
I say, Janet, do you like this couch?

234
00:17:38,300 --> 00:17:41,000
Oh, you truly are beautiful, you know that?

235
00:17:41,100 --> 00:17:44,600
- Oh, Janet, our future is so bright.
- Cookie?

236
00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:48,700
Oh, yes, there'll be lots of cookies.
There'll be dancing, Christmas mornings,

237
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:53,400
and arguments over the proper
way to discipline the children, and...

238
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:58,100
What are you doing? What the hell is this?

239
00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:03,800
Is there something you need to tell me? If I'm
the only one in this thing, I deserve to know.

240
00:18:03,900 --> 00:18:06,500
I see. Your silence says it all.

241
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:31,500
This is great. How the hell
are we supposed to get home?

242
00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:34,300
We gotta get some fake passports
on the black market.

243
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:37,800
Where are you going?
You're never gonna find the black market.

244
00:18:37,900 --> 00:18:41,100
That's what you said about
that back-alley abortionist.

245
00:18:41,200 --> 00:18:44,400
I'm glad you changed your mind.
But the point is, I found the guy.

246
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:50,900
OK, there she is. That is...

247
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:54,800
That is absolutely classic!
Melinda, you're an utter delight.

248
00:18:54,900 --> 00:18:58,100
Oh, hello, Janet. Yes. Yes, you know Melinda.

249
00:18:58,200 --> 00:19:02,500
Yes, it seems she's, um... Oh, what did we
figure out, dear? Was it one? No, two. Yes.

250
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:07,800
She's two weeks younger than you.
Just look at that butt. That is a tight butt.

251
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,700
Damn! Not even a second glance.

252
00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:16,500
This is what you call dolled up? Why don't
you save yourself years of sexual ambiguity

253
00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:20,800
and get fitted for a pair of Doc Martens
and a plaid flannel shirt?

254
00:19:23,200 --> 00:19:26,100
There it is. The black market.

255
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:28,800
Lois, if we don't make it outta here alive,

256
00:19:28,900 --> 00:19:33,000
I should tell ya I promised my first girlfriend
we'd meet up in heaven.

257
00:19:33,100 --> 00:19:37,300
I was lyin', but just so you know
it's somethin' we might have to deal with.

258
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:55,300
OK. Two American passports.
Would you like to join the black market club?

259
00:19:55,400 --> 00:20:00,200
- Ten per cent off your first purchase.
- No, thank you. We're not from the area.

260
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:02,200
Peter, just pay the man.

261
00:20:02,300 --> 00:20:06,300
- Do you accept bits of string?
- Sorry. Store policy.

262
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:11,500
But, you know, there is
another way for you to travel.

263
00:20:13,000 --> 00:20:17,500
It's over, Leonard. I suppose
I should be grateful to that saucy harlot.

264
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:21,800
She taught me a valuable lesson.
There's really no such thing as love.

265
00:20:21,900 --> 00:20:27,500
It's just a word used by Madison Avenue
to sell their skin creams and two-seater cars.

266
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:33,200
Argh! It's no use! She swims
in my blood now. I must have her!

267
00:20:34,500 --> 00:20:38,200
Darling, why are we tormenting ourselves?
We're perfect for each other.

268
00:20:38,300 --> 00:20:42,300
I admit we've got our problems,
like any couple, but true love conquers all!

269
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:46,100
- I like you.
- You... like me?

270
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:49,800
Oh! Oh, well, it's not love, but it's a start.

271
00:20:49,900 --> 00:20:53,100
Oh, Janet, you've made me
the happiest man in the whole world.

272
00:20:53,200 --> 00:20:57,400
- Cookie?
- Of course you can have a cookie! Stay there.

273
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,100
Cookie.

274
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:01,900
Cookie?

275
00:21:02,700 --> 00:21:03,800
Cookie?

276
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:05,600
Cookie?

277
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:12,700
You don't care about me. It's my cookies!
It's always been the damn cookies!

278
00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:15,600
Well, sugar, the bakery just closed.

279
00:21:15,700 --> 00:21:20,400
You'll have to get your fill somewhere else,
you oatmeal-raisin-Ioving tart!

280
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:25,700
Don't let her see you cry, old man.
Don't let her see you cry.

281
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,300
Well, we're finally goin' home.

282
00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:33,000
I'm sorry I tricked you into that job, honey.
You deserve to have a more excitin' life.

283
00:21:33,100 --> 00:21:37,200
Oh, Peter, bein' married to you
gives me all the excitement I can handle.

284
00:21:37,600 --> 00:21:40,600
I mean, look at us-on a boat
in the middle of the Atlantic,

285
00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:43,600
under the moonlight,
surrounded by refugees.

286
00:21:43,700 --> 00:21:45,500
Yeah. Uh, about that. Uh...

287
00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:49,500
Miguel over there has had his eye on you,
and his wife Rosa is very open.

288
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:51,700
- What?
- No, nothin'. This is nice.

289
00:22:20,500 --> 00:22:24,700
Visiontext Subtitles: Kerrie Slavin

290
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:33,900
ENGLISH SDH

