1 00:00:01,668 --> 00:00:04,944 It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:05,028 --> 00:00:08,258 Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:08,347 --> 00:00:11,942 But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:12,027 --> 00:00:15,019 On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:15,107 --> 00:00:18,304 Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,387 --> 00:00:23,221 Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us 7 00:00:23,426 --> 00:00:24,905 Laugh and cry 8 00:00:24,986 --> 00:00:30,185 He's a family guy 9 00:00:34,585 --> 00:00:38,134 Wakey, wakey, worthless domestic. Time to make the inedible gruel. 10 00:00:38,225 --> 00:00:41,262 Mommy wants to rest for a few more minutes, honey. 11 00:00:42,025 --> 00:00:44,663 (fake wail) 12 00:00:44,744 --> 00:00:46,621 Blast! 13 00:00:46,704 --> 00:00:50,014 Whaddaya doin' lyin' on the couch at this hour? You been drinkin'? 14 00:00:50,104 --> 00:00:54,142 - Peter, you know I never drink. - Just like you never dodged the draft? 15 00:00:54,223 --> 00:00:56,373 What are you talkin' about? I'm a woman. 16 00:00:56,623 --> 00:00:59,262 Sure you are... now. 17 00:00:59,343 --> 00:01:03,382 Peter, I'm exhausted. I've been in and outta taxis all day. 18 00:01:03,463 --> 00:01:07,216 Stewie had a doctor's appointment, then I had to pick Meg up after school. 19 00:01:07,382 --> 00:01:10,977 I had rehearsal for Death of a Salesman, but we can't show death at school, 20 00:01:11,062 --> 00:01:13,496 so now at the end, we dance around with sparklers. 21 00:01:13,582 --> 00:01:15,573 Peter, we really need a second car. 22 00:01:15,662 --> 00:01:18,778 Trying to do all these errands in a taxi is exhausting. 23 00:01:18,861 --> 00:01:23,696 Oh, but you meet such colourful characters in taxis, like Alex Rieger and Tony. 24 00:01:23,781 --> 00:01:25,976 And that funny foreign guy, in the garage. 25 00:01:26,101 --> 00:01:31,697 Rieger, cab 402. Nardo, you and your luscious melons are in 315. 26 00:01:31,780 --> 00:01:35,170 - Now get outta here, you losers. - What about the foreign guy? 27 00:01:35,260 --> 00:01:37,137 No way. He's a nut job. 28 00:01:37,220 --> 00:01:40,018 Show some compassion for once in your miserable life. 29 00:01:40,180 --> 00:01:43,489 All right, can the waterworks, Jackie Chan, cab 302. 30 00:01:43,859 --> 00:01:45,929 Ayii-a! 31 00:01:46,019 --> 00:01:48,487 - (cheering) - Thank you very much. 32 00:01:48,619 --> 00:01:53,294 Peter, please. I saw an ad for a used car that would be perfect. 33 00:01:53,378 --> 00:01:58,247 Oh, no, Lois. A guy at work bought a car outta the paper. Ten years later, bam! Herpes. 34 00:01:58,338 --> 00:02:00,727 I'm buying our car from a dealer and that's that. 35 00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:07,447 Oh, look. Oh, aren't you beautiful? 36 00:02:07,537 --> 00:02:10,097 Yeah. Yeah, you like that, don't ya? 37 00:02:10,177 --> 00:02:12,816 Yeah, you're a bad little car. 38 00:02:12,897 --> 00:02:16,650 What's that? What's that? You want me inside ya? 39 00:02:17,416 --> 00:02:21,614 Peter, look at this one. It's safe and reliable and we can afford it. 40 00:02:21,696 --> 00:02:24,893 I'll just see if I can find a salesman. 41 00:02:26,696 --> 00:02:29,971 Hey, I'm Doug, nice to meet ya. Whoa, have you lost weight? 42 00:02:30,215 --> 00:02:32,490 It's still there. I'm parting it on the side. 43 00:02:32,575 --> 00:02:35,089 We were more interested in that car over there. 44 00:02:35,175 --> 00:02:38,292 - Lois, let me handle this. - Peter, this car has dents in it. 45 00:02:38,374 --> 00:02:40,763 And it's got a cardboard steering wheel. 46 00:02:40,854 --> 00:02:43,891 - Yeah, just a second, honey. - And, look, there's no engine. 47 00:02:43,974 --> 00:02:48,206 - It just has a drawing of an engine. - But it only had one previous owner. 48 00:02:48,534 --> 00:02:51,366 - James Bond. - I'll take it. 49 00:02:51,693 --> 00:02:54,571 OK, let's see what this baby can do, eh? 50 00:02:57,053 --> 00:03:00,841 Ha! Well, I'm sure the dealer will take care of it. 51 00:03:03,132 --> 00:03:04,690 Lois, this is crazy. 52 00:03:04,772 --> 00:03:08,651 There's no way we can have maritals with you lying all the way over there. 53 00:03:08,732 --> 00:03:11,087 I am very upset with you right now. 54 00:03:11,252 --> 00:03:14,607 OK, so I tried on your bra. Jeez, the fellas were puttin' on a show. 55 00:03:14,691 --> 00:03:18,320 I didn't think I'd make a good Gigi either, but, God help me, I was flattered. 56 00:03:18,411 --> 00:03:21,608 Peter, I'm upset because you never listen to me. 57 00:03:21,691 --> 00:03:24,125 This is Atlantic City all over again. 58 00:03:24,251 --> 00:03:27,367 - You've got 20. - Hit me. 59 00:03:27,450 --> 00:03:30,362 - 21. - Hit me. Hit me. 60 00:03:30,450 --> 00:03:32,839 - That's 30. - Hit me. 61 00:03:33,170 --> 00:03:37,560 Ha! You're just mad about the car. Don't worry. I'll think of a way to fix it. 62 00:03:37,649 --> 00:03:39,879 No, we'll think of a way to fix it. 63 00:03:39,969 --> 00:03:42,688 I'm tired of being left out of all our decision making. 64 00:03:42,769 --> 00:03:44,202 OK, honey. 65 00:03:45,129 --> 00:03:48,598 - (high-pitched squeals) - (Peter) By the way, I bought a chimp. 66 00:03:51,328 --> 00:03:55,560 Hey, Peter, you want a menu, or just the usual everything? 67 00:03:55,648 --> 00:03:59,402 - Aw, shut up, Cleveland. - Wanna talk about it, champ? 68 00:03:59,807 --> 00:04:03,322 Lois has had the car all week and it's just been hell gettin' around. 69 00:04:03,407 --> 00:04:05,967 I actually had to rent a Mustang. 70 00:04:20,806 --> 00:04:23,365 All because I can't afford to get our new car fixed. 71 00:04:23,445 --> 00:04:25,800 Why don't you just get another new car? 72 00:04:25,885 --> 00:04:28,001 Why don't you try a breath mint, saucy? 73 00:04:28,085 --> 00:04:31,316 I'm just sayin' that me and my associates will steal your car, 74 00:04:31,405 --> 00:04:34,476 and ipso facto your insurance company'll buy you another one. 75 00:04:34,724 --> 00:04:38,114 Peter, you don't wanna get involved with the Mob. 76 00:04:38,204 --> 00:04:40,593 Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? Who are you? 77 00:04:40,684 --> 00:04:45,599 - I'm the proprietor of this delicatessen. - Butt out, shlomo. All I need is your address. 78 00:04:45,684 --> 00:04:50,632 - You can jot it down on the back of my gun. - Well, you do have an honest face. 79 00:04:52,043 --> 00:04:54,477 Ah, crap. I made a mistake. Do you have another gun? 80 00:04:56,443 --> 00:05:01,118 Dharma, come down from there. Wow, I can't get over what a free spirit you are. 81 00:05:01,202 --> 00:05:03,193 (canned laughter) 82 00:05:10,201 --> 00:05:14,240 Lois, can you go down to the basement and do somethin' really loud and complicated 83 00:05:14,321 --> 00:05:16,312 for the next 15 minutes? 84 00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:24,352 - That's a fine machine, Peter. - Peter, how can we afford this? 85 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:26,635 Let's just say the car was a steal. 86 00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:28,995 - Say that again. - The car was a steal. 87 00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:32,708 - This time without winking. - The car was a steal. 88 00:05:32,799 --> 00:05:33,868 Wink. 89 00:05:33,959 --> 00:05:39,511 Look, Lois, we had a broken car, I did "something", and now we have a new car. 90 00:05:39,599 --> 00:05:42,716 - Look, I said I'd handle it, and I did. - I suppose you did. 91 00:05:42,799 --> 00:05:44,993 I just wish my opinion mattered to you. 92 00:05:45,078 --> 00:05:50,869 Well, the important thing is it matters to you. And that's the greatest gift of all. 93 00:05:50,958 --> 00:05:55,110 Hey, Cleveland, check out my on-board computer navigation system. Standard. 94 00:05:55,198 --> 00:05:57,506 - (computer) Left turn ahead. - Spanish. 95 00:05:57,597 --> 00:06:00,714 - Va a la izquierda allá. - Yakov Smirnoff. 96 00:06:00,797 --> 00:06:03,675 In Soviet Russia, car drives you. 97 00:06:03,997 --> 00:06:08,945 That's fancy an' all. But I think you're bargainin' for more than you can chew. 98 00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:13,348 You're in debt to the Mob. That means they can ask you to do anything. 99 00:06:13,436 --> 00:06:16,633 - Anything! - Relax, Cleveland, there is no Mob. 100 00:06:16,716 --> 00:06:18,707 You're thinkin' of the Mob in the movies. 101 00:06:18,796 --> 00:06:21,707 - How am I funny? - I dunno know. You say funny things. 102 00:06:21,795 --> 00:06:24,263 No, no. I mean, am I George Carlin funny, 103 00:06:24,355 --> 00:06:28,143 am I Spin City funny, Rita Rudner funny, what? Come on. 104 00:06:28,235 --> 00:06:30,748 - Rita Rudner funny. - Yeah, Rita Rudner funny. 105 00:06:30,834 --> 00:06:33,826 Really? Oh, my God. Thank you. 106 00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:36,269 Peter, please don't underestimate them. 107 00:06:36,354 --> 00:06:39,790 I guarantee ya, I am never gonna hear from those guys again. 108 00:06:39,874 --> 00:06:43,548 Peter, it is time to repay your favour to the don. 109 00:06:44,833 --> 00:06:47,108 Aw, jeez. 110 00:06:49,793 --> 00:06:51,784 At least that's one problem solved. 111 00:06:56,112 --> 00:06:58,672 C'mon, Peter, the don is waiting to meet you. 112 00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:01,744 What kind of a guy... what's he like? Is he a friendly don? 113 00:07:01,832 --> 00:07:04,187 You know, like that Dom DeLuise. 114 00:07:04,272 --> 00:07:07,661 I have asked you here tonight so that you may perform a service. 115 00:07:07,751 --> 00:07:11,585 Whaddaya gonna make me do? Whack a guy? Off a guy? Whack off a guy? 116 00:07:11,671 --> 00:07:16,620 Silence. Big Fat Paulie's in town this week to attend the wedding of my daughter. 117 00:07:16,711 --> 00:07:18,780 You want me to shoot him twice in the head. 118 00:07:18,870 --> 00:07:21,543 That's sweet of you to ask, but he's my nephew. 119 00:07:21,630 --> 00:07:23,700 He's also vile and disgusting. 120 00:07:23,790 --> 00:07:27,624 No one's been able to stand Big Fat Paulie's company for more than a minute. 121 00:07:27,790 --> 00:07:30,826 But you, Mr Griffin, you will take him to the movies. 122 00:07:30,909 --> 00:07:34,982 That's it? That's all I have to do? Ah, thank Go... Wait a second. Which movie? 123 00:07:35,069 --> 00:07:39,984 Because if it's anything with Greg Kinnear, you can just whack me off right now. 124 00:07:48,428 --> 00:07:49,827 Big Fat Paulie? 125 00:07:49,908 --> 00:07:53,343 The name's Marty, and I'm very sensitive about my weight. 126 00:07:53,427 --> 00:07:56,100 - Big Fat Paulie? - How dare you? 127 00:07:58,747 --> 00:08:01,022 Are you Big Fat Paulie? 128 00:08:01,107 --> 00:08:03,700 I'm Louie Anderson. 129 00:08:03,786 --> 00:08:06,061 Are you-please, God - Big Fat Paulie? 130 00:08:07,146 --> 00:08:10,422 (sneezes and snorts) 131 00:08:10,506 --> 00:08:14,135 - Yeah, I'm Big Fat Paulie. - Hey. Guess I've got milk. 132 00:08:14,226 --> 00:08:15,817 (nervous laugh) Don't shoot me! 133 00:08:20,465 --> 00:08:23,616 Aw. Someone's sittin' in my most favourite seat. 134 00:08:23,705 --> 00:08:28,175 Hm. Hey, I just got a great idea. 135 00:08:30,384 --> 00:08:32,693 Girlfriend, you know what time it is? 136 00:08:32,784 --> 00:08:36,743 - No, what time is it? - It's time for you to get your groove back. 137 00:08:36,824 --> 00:08:38,654 Again. 138 00:08:44,263 --> 00:08:46,254 Well, uh... 139 00:08:47,783 --> 00:08:50,535 - Bye. - Where you goin'? 140 00:08:50,622 --> 00:08:54,297 - Home? You know, for dinner. - Oh, yeah? What are we havin'? 141 00:08:54,382 --> 00:08:56,976 Oh, uh... I was only supposed to go to a movie with ya. 142 00:08:57,062 --> 00:09:00,691 - What's that supposed to mean? - Well, I mean, you know, like... 143 00:09:00,782 --> 00:09:02,658 like no neckin'. 144 00:09:02,741 --> 00:09:04,777 So I can have dinner with you. 145 00:09:04,861 --> 00:09:06,852 Uh... uh, sure. 146 00:09:06,941 --> 00:09:11,617 That'd be better than having dinner with my family who I love and am not afraid of. 147 00:09:12,821 --> 00:09:15,778 Hey, Lois, this is Big Fat Paulie. 148 00:09:15,860 --> 00:09:20,138 - He's gonna be joinin' us for dinner. - Really? What a nice surprise. 149 00:09:20,220 --> 00:09:23,018 Peter, can I talk to you for a second? 150 00:09:23,100 --> 00:09:26,728 You can't just bring company home at the last second without calling. 151 00:09:26,819 --> 00:09:32,416 I am gettin' tired of you doin' everything without consultin' me. And... 152 00:09:32,499 --> 00:09:36,207 - Do you mind? - As a matter of fact, I do, you crazy broad. 153 00:09:36,418 --> 00:09:38,568 I am not a crazy broad. 154 00:09:38,658 --> 00:09:42,776 Oh, no, no, Lois. He didn't mean you're crazy like Elizabeth Taylor. 155 00:09:42,858 --> 00:09:45,770 You know, he meant you're crazy like... 156 00:09:45,858 --> 00:09:48,894 like that glue. You stick to things. 157 00:09:48,977 --> 00:09:52,572 You know, like an adhesive. That's all he meant. 158 00:09:55,497 --> 00:09:59,728 You have a pretty good appetite there, kid. I bet you spend a lot of time in the john. 159 00:09:59,816 --> 00:10:02,535 Sorry, what finishing school did you say you went to? 160 00:10:02,616 --> 00:10:05,608 Yes, good heavens. Who taught you how to eat? Mickey Rourke? 161 00:10:05,696 --> 00:10:08,449 Why do I know that name? Damn you, Entertainment Tonight! 162 00:10:08,776 --> 00:10:11,687 Hi, I'm Bob Goen, and these are Mary Hart's legs. 163 00:10:11,775 --> 00:10:15,814 Mary, you recently spent some time with Julia Roberts, didn't you? 164 00:10:15,895 --> 00:10:16,884 Mary says yes. 165 00:10:18,255 --> 00:10:21,565 Tell me, kid, what are you, like, 27? 166 00:10:21,655 --> 00:10:24,407 - I'm 13. - Still a minor, huh? 167 00:10:24,494 --> 00:10:28,043 - Hey, son, how'd you like to be a coke mule? - Peter, living room? 168 00:10:28,134 --> 00:10:30,125 No, Lois, kitchen. 169 00:10:34,333 --> 00:10:36,483 Peter, I have a bad feelin' about this man. 170 00:10:36,573 --> 00:10:39,610 He's not the kind of person I want hangin' around our family. 171 00:10:39,693 --> 00:10:43,766 - Honey, you're overreactin'. - Will you please just listen to me for once? 172 00:10:43,853 --> 00:10:47,731 That man is bad news. I want him out of our house and out of our lives. 173 00:10:47,812 --> 00:10:50,645 I'm gonna give you something to help you relax... 174 00:10:50,732 --> 00:10:51,881 - Now! - OK. 175 00:10:52,452 --> 00:10:55,444 Big Fat Paulie? There's somethin' I gotta tell ya. 176 00:10:57,491 --> 00:11:01,200 Ever stare at the night sky and wonder if someone might be lookin' back at ya? 177 00:11:01,371 --> 00:11:05,080 No, but just in case... Look at this, you freakin' aliens! 178 00:11:07,051 --> 00:11:09,041 Oh, uh... Hi, Bonnie. 179 00:11:09,130 --> 00:11:14,682 This is my friend, Big Fat Paulie, and, uh... this is his big fat ass. 180 00:11:16,610 --> 00:11:21,524 - What's on your mind, Petie? - Look, uh, we can't be friends any more. 181 00:11:21,609 --> 00:11:23,327 - Oh. - I'm sorry. 182 00:11:23,409 --> 00:11:25,400 Hey, forget about it. 183 00:11:26,649 --> 00:11:30,767 Aw, jeez. It's not you, it's Lois. She doesn't want me hangin' around with ya. 184 00:11:30,849 --> 00:11:35,126 - Really? You're not just sayin' that? - No, no. It's all Lois. 185 00:11:35,208 --> 00:11:37,722 If only I'd met you first... But whaddaya gonna do? 186 00:11:37,808 --> 00:11:41,244 - So, Lois is the problem, huh? - Yeah, but it's not her fault. 187 00:11:41,328 --> 00:11:45,002 She just doesn't wanna see me fall in with a tough crowd again. 188 00:11:45,207 --> 00:11:47,163 Cavity creeps! 189 00:11:47,367 --> 00:11:51,201 We make holes in teeth! We make holes in teeth! 190 00:11:51,367 --> 00:11:55,518 So, if she wasn't around, we could still be friends, right? 191 00:11:55,606 --> 00:11:58,598 - Yeah, sure. Why not? - Oh, that's great. 192 00:11:58,686 --> 00:12:00,677 Come here, you. 193 00:12:21,844 --> 00:12:23,835 (grunting) 194 00:12:26,124 --> 00:12:27,955 (cheering) 195 00:12:31,603 --> 00:12:34,117 Willy Loman never made a lot of money, 196 00:12:34,203 --> 00:12:36,717 his name was never in the paper, 197 00:12:36,803 --> 00:12:40,398 but, uh... You know, like, attention could be paid. 198 00:12:40,483 --> 00:12:43,201 People are worse off than Willy Loman. 199 00:12:45,442 --> 00:12:49,037 Jeez, come on, everybody. I know it sucks, but they're just kids. 200 00:12:52,722 --> 00:12:55,360 Peter, how can you sleep? I was almost killed. 201 00:12:55,441 --> 00:12:59,878 Aw, come on, Lois. The only victim tonight was the work of Arthur Miller. 202 00:12:59,961 --> 00:13:02,236 - (rings) - Hello. 203 00:13:02,321 --> 00:13:04,391 Hey, Big Fat Paulie. 204 00:13:04,481 --> 00:13:06,789 No, Lois isn't dead yet. 205 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:09,155 Whaddaya mean, you're gonna fire that hit man? 206 00:13:09,240 --> 00:13:13,279 Whaddaya mean, you thought she'd be six feet under and we'd be able to catch a movie? 207 00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:14,588 Whad...? 208 00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:17,513 - You thought I wanted you to whack Lois? - Guilty. 209 00:13:17,599 --> 00:13:20,796 - It's not too late to have the hit called off? - Yeah. 210 00:13:21,559 --> 00:13:23,868 Gotcha. 211 00:13:24,079 --> 00:13:27,196 - All I gotta do is make a call. - (machine-gun fire) 212 00:13:42,397 --> 00:13:44,672 Aw, jeez. You OK? 213 00:13:53,036 --> 00:13:55,596 Oh, my God. Look at this. 214 00:13:55,676 --> 00:13:58,634 How could you bring a mobster into your own home? 215 00:13:58,716 --> 00:14:01,025 If you're upset now, wait till ya hear the rest. 216 00:14:01,116 --> 00:14:05,791 I was talkin' to Big Fat Paulie the other day and one thing led to another, and... 217 00:14:05,875 --> 00:14:10,665 - I sort of put a hit out on ya. - How could you put a hit on me? 218 00:14:11,075 --> 00:14:13,589 That's not even the worst part. Wait. Yeah, it is. 219 00:14:13,675 --> 00:14:16,746 - Peter! - Look, don't worry. I got it all worked out. 220 00:14:16,834 --> 00:14:22,147 We'll move to England. Worst they got there is, uh, you know, drive-by arguments. 221 00:14:22,234 --> 00:14:24,111 ("Rule Britannia") 222 00:14:24,274 --> 00:14:26,992 I say, Jeremy, isn't that Reginald B Stiffworth, 223 00:14:27,073 --> 00:14:30,748 the chap who's been touting the merits of a United European Commonwealth? 224 00:14:30,833 --> 00:14:34,872 - Why, yes, I dare say that's the fellow. - Oh, let's get him. 225 00:14:35,233 --> 00:14:37,428 Oh, Reginald. 226 00:14:37,513 --> 00:14:39,468 I disagree. 227 00:14:41,392 --> 00:14:43,383 (mandolin music) 228 00:14:47,992 --> 00:14:51,267 - I would like a "bunny". - What kind of "bunny"? 229 00:14:51,351 --> 00:14:54,388 A semi-automatic bunny or a hand-held bunny. 230 00:14:54,471 --> 00:14:58,783 Whichever bunny you think is better for shooting a guy in the head. 231 00:14:58,871 --> 00:15:03,102 I've been lookin' all over for ya. Look, I gotta call off the hit on my wife. 232 00:15:03,190 --> 00:15:04,942 - Where's the don? - The don? 233 00:15:05,030 --> 00:15:08,818 - I don't know what you're talking about. - Aw, come on, you know, the don. 234 00:15:08,910 --> 00:15:13,778 - The captain of the Mafia. - Peter, there is no such thing as the Mafia. 235 00:15:13,989 --> 00:15:18,187 "The don's daughter is getting married tomorrow. Here's my invitation." 236 00:15:18,269 --> 00:15:22,706 "Now, get the asterisk, percent, ampersand, out of here, you SOB." 237 00:15:22,789 --> 00:15:24,346 What's a SOB? 238 00:15:27,268 --> 00:15:32,388 - Dharma, come down from that couch. - Uh-uh, goofy. Why don't you come up? 239 00:15:32,468 --> 00:15:34,698 You know what? I think I will. 240 00:15:34,788 --> 00:15:36,778 (canned laughter) 241 00:15:45,267 --> 00:15:48,383 Boy, what a mismatched pair. A free spirit and a puppet. 242 00:15:49,186 --> 00:15:51,700 Peter, thank God. Did you take care of... 243 00:15:51,786 --> 00:15:55,620 - That thing? - That thing? Oh, oh, you mean that growth. 244 00:15:55,706 --> 00:15:57,742 Yeah, I had the doctor look at that. 245 00:15:58,066 --> 00:16:00,977 Mr Griffin, that isn't a growth. That's your penis. 246 00:16:01,065 --> 00:16:03,420 Oh. Well, what about the...? 247 00:16:03,505 --> 00:16:05,496 Testicles. 248 00:16:06,625 --> 00:16:07,853 Huh. 249 00:16:08,025 --> 00:16:11,096 - I'm talkin' about the mob hit. - Mom's gonna get whacked? 250 00:16:11,184 --> 00:16:15,177 - What did you do? - Oh dear, there are so many people to thank. 251 00:16:15,264 --> 00:16:18,142 God, of course, and um... who else? 252 00:16:18,224 --> 00:16:20,215 Oh, this is so unexpected. 253 00:16:22,463 --> 00:16:25,933 - Oh, yes, Satan. - I'm sorry, Lois. The hit's still on. 254 00:16:26,023 --> 00:16:29,220 - All I got was this wedding invitation. - Wait a second, Peter. 255 00:16:29,303 --> 00:16:31,692 The don's daughter's wedding. That's perfect. 256 00:16:31,783 --> 00:16:35,013 It's not that perfect. We'll probably have to buy a gift. 257 00:16:35,102 --> 00:16:37,377 And you know how bad I am at buyin' gifts. 258 00:16:37,822 --> 00:16:39,813 Happy freakin' birthday, Lois. 259 00:16:39,902 --> 00:16:42,416 Oh, my goodness. It's a... 260 00:16:42,502 --> 00:16:44,777 Ah, another sword. 261 00:16:44,862 --> 00:16:48,695 - Thank you, Peter. - Go ahead, try it on. 262 00:16:48,901 --> 00:16:53,850 Didn't you see The Godfather? The don can't refuse a favour on his daughter's wedding. 263 00:16:53,941 --> 00:16:57,250 - So? - So we can ask him for a favour. 264 00:16:57,340 --> 00:17:00,650 - So? - So we ask him to call off the hit. 265 00:17:00,740 --> 00:17:02,856 - So? - So... 266 00:17:03,060 --> 00:17:06,018 Peter, I don't know how to explain it any clearer than that. 267 00:17:06,100 --> 00:17:08,216 You can ask them not to kill Mom. 268 00:17:08,300 --> 00:17:12,338 No way, it's too dangerous. I got you into this and I'll get you out of it. 269 00:17:12,539 --> 00:17:16,327 No, Peter, when we got married we agreed to share our lives. 270 00:17:16,419 --> 00:17:18,410 - Good times and bad. - So? 271 00:17:18,499 --> 00:17:21,888 - So we'll solve this problem. - Wait. You mean, together? 272 00:17:21,978 --> 00:17:27,848 Yes, because together we can do anything, face any foe, overcome any obstacle. 273 00:17:27,938 --> 00:17:31,772 Yeah, climb any mountain, rent any video, dial any phone. 274 00:17:31,858 --> 00:17:34,496 And not just our phone, Lois, other people's phones. 275 00:17:34,577 --> 00:17:36,966 Decent phones, God-fearing phones, 276 00:17:37,057 --> 00:17:42,336 phones that everybody else gave up on, but we knew better, because we were a team. 277 00:17:42,417 --> 00:17:44,247 What the hell are you talking about? 278 00:17:45,616 --> 00:17:48,210 (computer) Turn right at fork in road. 279 00:17:48,296 --> 00:17:52,847 - In Soviet Russia, road forks you. - Boy, is that gettin' old. 280 00:17:54,416 --> 00:17:58,806 I don't know. What if somethin' happens to ya? I'm too old to start dating again. 281 00:17:59,055 --> 00:18:04,891 OK, bachelor number one. I'm an ice-cream cone. How are you gonna eat me? 282 00:18:04,975 --> 00:18:10,002 I'd invite my friend Rudy over and the two of us would give you a double dip. 283 00:18:10,094 --> 00:18:12,210 OK. Bachelor number two? 284 00:18:12,294 --> 00:18:15,684 I'd lick off all the cream and give you my special whip topping. 285 00:18:15,774 --> 00:18:17,765 Sounds good. Bachelor number three? 286 00:18:17,854 --> 00:18:21,641 Well, I would try to eat you really fast, before I got flaccid. 287 00:18:22,733 --> 00:18:26,726 - I'll be fine. All we have to do is blend in. - No problem. 288 00:18:27,453 --> 00:18:30,330 (sings "Rhinestone Cowboy") 289 00:18:38,332 --> 00:18:40,323 For my next number... 290 00:18:40,412 --> 00:18:41,924 Thank you very much. 291 00:18:46,091 --> 00:18:48,810 - David Schwimmer? - Yeah. Hey. 292 00:18:48,891 --> 00:18:52,600 - What are you gonna ask the don for? - World peace. 293 00:18:54,290 --> 00:18:57,999 - Number 34. Three-four. - Right here. 294 00:18:58,290 --> 00:19:01,919 Peter, my good friend. How good of you to come and show your respect, 295 00:19:02,010 --> 00:19:04,399 on this, the day of my daughter's wedding. 296 00:19:04,490 --> 00:19:07,606 Yeah, sorry I didn't bring a gift, but the stores were mobbed. 297 00:19:07,689 --> 00:19:09,725 Uh, I mean, mobbed as in crowded. 298 00:19:09,809 --> 00:19:13,279 Not... not mobbed as in... you guys. 299 00:19:13,369 --> 00:19:16,360 - (nervous laugh) - Who is this enchanting woman? 300 00:19:16,448 --> 00:19:18,564 This is my wife, Lois. Ah! 301 00:19:18,648 --> 00:19:21,720 Your honour, sir, we've come to ask... 302 00:19:21,808 --> 00:19:24,561 - Let me handle this. - Peter, I thought we were a team. 303 00:19:24,648 --> 00:19:27,208 Listen, Your Don-ness. I got a little favour to ask. 304 00:19:27,288 --> 00:19:33,806 Go ahead. I am obligated to grant one favour on this, the day of my daughter's wedding. 305 00:19:33,887 --> 00:19:37,004 While you ask me for this one and only favour, 306 00:19:37,087 --> 00:19:40,283 I will sit here and enjoy this very fine tiramisu. 307 00:19:40,366 --> 00:19:42,960 - Oh, can I have a piece? - Granted. 308 00:19:43,046 --> 00:19:44,957 - Next. - Aw, crap. 309 00:19:45,486 --> 00:19:48,000 I'm sorry I used up our favour, Lois. 310 00:19:48,086 --> 00:19:51,680 You know what? Here. It's yours. No, no, really. I insist. 311 00:19:51,765 --> 00:19:55,758 Peter, I'm gonna be killed. Does that mean nothing to you? 312 00:19:56,045 --> 00:19:59,355 Of course it does. It means everything to me. 313 00:19:59,445 --> 00:20:02,198 - Oh, God. What have I done? - I'm not marrying you. 314 00:20:02,285 --> 00:20:04,923 I'm not marrying you, you spoiled guinea... Whoops. 315 00:20:05,004 --> 00:20:09,236 My daughter, what is the problem on this, the day of my daughter's wedding? 316 00:20:09,324 --> 00:20:12,043 Larry wants to whack someone on our honeymoon. 317 00:20:12,124 --> 00:20:14,354 Hey, it's my job, all right? This is what I do. 318 00:20:14,643 --> 00:20:17,521 You two should stop fighting and listen to each other. 319 00:20:17,603 --> 00:20:21,994 See, marriage is a partnership. If you really love someone, you gotta work together, 320 00:20:22,083 --> 00:20:25,473 as a team. I... I learned that the hard way. 321 00:20:25,563 --> 00:20:28,918 I didn't listen to what my wife had to say and now she's as good as dead. 322 00:20:29,002 --> 00:20:32,915 - Oh, Peter. - That's awful. Is this your wife? 323 00:20:33,002 --> 00:20:36,039 Yeah, that's Lois. Ah! 324 00:20:36,122 --> 00:20:38,840 I guess we could postpone our trip. 325 00:20:38,921 --> 00:20:43,392 We won't have to. I don't believe this. She's the one I'm supposed to whack. 326 00:20:46,201 --> 00:20:49,590 - Peter. - Please, you gotta do me one more favour. 327 00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:53,309 Look, I love my wife more than anything in the world. 328 00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:56,039 Can you please shoot me instead of her? 329 00:20:56,440 --> 00:21:00,592 Such tenderness and love on this, the day of my daughter's wedding. 330 00:21:00,680 --> 00:21:04,308 - Why don't I just call off the hit? - Oh. Yeah, that could work. 331 00:21:04,399 --> 00:21:08,153 Wait. We're a team. Is that OK with you? Because your opinion matters too. 332 00:21:08,239 --> 00:21:12,436 Yes, let's get the hell outta here. Thank you for a lovely time. 333 00:21:13,358 --> 00:21:15,997 - Yeah, it's the blue sedan. - No tip, sir. 334 00:21:16,078 --> 00:21:19,673 Ah, nice kid. Well, I think I handled that pretty good. 335 00:21:19,758 --> 00:21:22,591 But... but I would like a second opinion. 336 00:21:22,678 --> 00:21:24,474 Here it is. 337 00:21:27,317 --> 00:21:31,674 - Oh, my God, our car! - Man, am I glad I caught you. 338 00:21:31,757 --> 00:21:34,794 I almost forgot. Don't start your car... 339 00:21:35,077 --> 00:21:38,864 - Hey, thanks for comin'. - Oh, what a horrible night. 340 00:21:38,956 --> 00:21:41,311 It's not so bad, Lois. I learned my lesson. 341 00:21:41,396 --> 00:21:44,388 And best of all, nobody important got hurt.