1 00:00:01,735 --> 00:00:05,170 It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:05,254 --> 00:00:08,484 Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:08,573 --> 00:00:12,122 But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:15,249 On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:15,332 --> 00:00:18,528 Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:18,611 --> 00:00:23,286 Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that make us 7 00:00:23,370 --> 00:00:25,087 Laugh and cry 8 00:00:25,169 --> 00:00:30,288 He's a family guy 9 00:00:32,208 --> 00:00:35,517 OK, OK. Here's another riddle. A woman has two children. 10 00:00:35,607 --> 00:00:38,723 A homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. 11 00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:40,876 Which one does she let him kill? 12 00:00:40,966 --> 00:00:44,401 That's... that's not a riddle, that's... that's just terrible. 13 00:00:44,485 --> 00:00:46,634 - Wrong! The ugly one! - Hey, Peter. 14 00:00:46,724 --> 00:00:49,113 Check out my new trampoline. 15 00:00:49,204 --> 00:00:52,991 Whee! Yeah! Whoa, momma! Whoo! Whoo! Yeah! 16 00:00:53,363 --> 00:00:55,557 Jeez, Cleveland, that must have set you back. 17 00:00:55,642 --> 00:00:59,520 What'd you do, sell your body to science? You know, I've thought of doin' that. 18 00:00:59,961 --> 00:01:03,794 All right, uh, Jenny, would you come up here and show us where the femur is? 19 00:01:07,759 --> 00:01:08,874 Aaah! 20 00:01:08,959 --> 00:01:11,631 (laughs) Get out of here, you little bastard. 21 00:01:11,718 --> 00:01:13,788 I knew this was the right thing to do. 22 00:01:15,637 --> 00:01:18,629 No, I just got a big tax refund. 23 00:01:18,717 --> 00:01:21,389 Uncle Sam sent me $500. 24 00:01:21,476 --> 00:01:23,989 - I got 600 bucks. - I got 850. 25 00:01:24,075 --> 00:01:25,588 I got a rock. 26 00:01:25,675 --> 00:01:28,711 I spent my refund on a digital TV with surround sound. 27 00:01:28,794 --> 00:01:32,911 It's got headphones, so I can watch Steven Seagal movies without waking Bonnie. 28 00:01:34,953 --> 00:01:39,423 Yes! Lock and load! Lock and load! Bring on the pain! 29 00:01:39,512 --> 00:01:42,105 I spent my refund on a plug-in playmate. 30 00:01:42,791 --> 00:01:46,578 So, a schoolteacher? That must be interesting. 31 00:01:46,910 --> 00:01:49,060 Well, I'm gettin' somethin' special too. 32 00:01:49,150 --> 00:01:52,983 And by special, I don't mean special like that Kleinerman boy down the street. 33 00:01:53,069 --> 00:01:56,902 More special like... like Special K, the cereal. 34 00:01:56,988 --> 00:01:58,978 What did they do with the regular K? 35 00:01:59,067 --> 00:02:01,581 For that matter, what happened to Kaye Ballard? 36 00:02:01,667 --> 00:02:05,375 If you said "mallard" and you had a cold, it would sound like "Ballard". 37 00:02:05,466 --> 00:02:07,854 - Do you listen when you talk? - I drift in and out. 38 00:02:11,224 --> 00:02:14,296 You know, Rupert, the word "gullible" is not in the dictionary. 39 00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:17,216 Oh, oh, you don't believe me? Here! Look it up! 40 00:02:18,343 --> 00:02:22,381 What? What's that? It really isn't? Oh, Rupert, touché! 41 00:02:22,462 --> 00:02:24,452 Hoisted by my own petard! 42 00:02:24,541 --> 00:02:26,532 (laughs) 43 00:02:28,220 --> 00:02:30,211 Ah, I am so alone. 44 00:02:30,580 --> 00:02:35,369 Everybody, my tax refund is here. I'm gonna buy us somethin' we've always wanted. 45 00:02:35,459 --> 00:02:37,494 - A cat? - A stereo? 46 00:02:37,578 --> 00:02:40,808 - A pool? - Oh, oh, I'm sorry. It is a pool. 47 00:02:40,897 --> 00:02:44,252 - Oh, joy unbounded! - I'll feed it and take care of it! 48 00:02:44,336 --> 00:02:46,372 Oh, my God! It's better than I thought. 49 00:02:46,456 --> 00:02:48,491 An Audi! I'm gettin' a car! 50 00:02:48,575 --> 00:02:51,214 Uh, Peter, there's a "T" in there. That says "audit". 51 00:02:51,295 --> 00:02:54,252 No, Brian, it's a foreign car. The "T" is silent. 52 00:02:54,334 --> 00:02:57,530 - Sweet! I'm gettin' an Audi! - I have an "inny". 53 00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:03,407 - Uh, Miss Stratford? - Come in, Mr Griffin. Don't be nervous. 54 00:03:03,492 --> 00:03:06,927 The IRS is much kinder and gentler than we used to be. 55 00:03:07,011 --> 00:03:10,241 - You smell nice. - What? Oh, that... that must be you. 56 00:03:10,330 --> 00:03:14,322 - No, it couldn't be me. I just farted. - Oh. 57 00:03:14,409 --> 00:03:16,843 I just have a few questions about your return. 58 00:03:16,929 --> 00:03:19,806 Did you incur any medical expenses this year? 59 00:03:19,888 --> 00:03:24,597 You can write off medical stuff? If I'd known, I wouldn't have used a discount surgeon. 60 00:03:25,007 --> 00:03:29,716 Uh, I'm not sure which one to cut here. The red one... or the blue one... 61 00:03:29,806 --> 00:03:32,365 OK, OK, just relax. Let's see, uh... 62 00:03:32,445 --> 00:03:35,959 First, why don't you attach that green one to that purple one? 63 00:03:36,044 --> 00:03:38,683 - OK. Here goes. - (long bleep) 64 00:03:38,764 --> 00:03:40,515 - Oh, God! - That kill me? 65 00:03:40,603 --> 00:03:43,241 - Uh-huh. - I was afraid of that. Try the green and blue. 66 00:03:43,322 --> 00:03:46,439 Well, Mr Griffin, you don't owe any additional money, 67 00:03:46,522 --> 00:03:49,274 but unfortunately, you're not entitled to a refund. 68 00:03:49,361 --> 00:03:51,749 - Aah! - Mr Griffin, are you OK? 69 00:03:51,840 --> 00:03:54,832 I'm sorry. I still haven't gotten over the loss of Party of Five. 70 00:03:54,920 --> 00:03:57,479 It'll take time to get over it. What were you sayin'? 71 00:03:57,559 --> 00:04:00,630 - You're not entitled to a refund. - Aah! 72 00:04:00,718 --> 00:04:03,551 - I'm sorry. Come again? - You're not entitled to a refund. 73 00:04:03,638 --> 00:04:07,835 - Aah! - (sighs) Was that for Party of Five too? 74 00:04:08,197 --> 00:04:11,427 No, that was for my refund. What the hell's Party of Five? 75 00:04:13,115 --> 00:04:16,505 By God, I may not be able to give my family a vibrating sex doll, 76 00:04:16,595 --> 00:04:19,586 - But at least I can give 'em a pool. - Um... I say. 77 00:04:19,674 --> 00:04:23,985 If you find a human skeleton with a Lincoln Log jammed in the temple, I didn't do it. 78 00:04:24,073 --> 00:04:27,223 But I need that log for my recreation of James Madison's cabin. 79 00:04:27,312 --> 00:04:31,782 OK, kids, I don't want anyone swimmin' in this pool unless there's a lifeguard on duty. 80 00:04:31,871 --> 00:04:34,464 Ha, ha, ha! "Duty". 81 00:04:34,550 --> 00:04:37,144 Ha, ha, ha! "Diarrhoea"! 82 00:04:37,750 --> 00:04:39,182 - Hey, Lois! - What? 83 00:04:39,269 --> 00:04:41,499 Diarrhoea! 84 00:04:42,388 --> 00:04:44,902 Peter! I'm holdin' iced tea! 85 00:04:44,988 --> 00:04:49,742 Oh. Oh. You know, honey, you don't have to do this. 86 00:04:49,827 --> 00:04:53,614 Maybe a pool is another one of those things a family doesn't really need. 87 00:04:54,905 --> 00:04:57,294 Look, everybody. I got us another dog. 88 00:04:57,705 --> 00:05:00,980 - What the...? - Hi. You guys have any Cheese Doodles? 89 00:05:01,744 --> 00:05:04,496 See, that's what I do. I ask for a snack and I blow the horn. 90 00:05:07,303 --> 00:05:11,817 - Huh, look at this. Some kind of plastic root. - There's no such thing as a plastic root. 91 00:05:12,101 --> 00:05:15,979 You bastards come into our village and kill our fish, pollute our water. 92 00:05:16,060 --> 00:05:19,018 I'm gonna send you back to hell where you belong. 93 00:05:32,017 --> 00:05:34,655 Noooo! 94 00:05:34,736 --> 00:05:36,931 - (whirs) - (whirring stops) 95 00:05:37,015 --> 00:05:38,892 - Goodbye. - Ah, damn it. 96 00:05:40,855 --> 00:05:41,843 Aw. 97 00:05:44,014 --> 00:05:48,165 I've fixed the power line, but the town's zoning laws prohibit building a pool there. 98 00:05:48,253 --> 00:05:51,801 - What? It's my yard. - Sorry, Your house is too close to the kerb. 99 00:05:51,892 --> 00:05:54,883 Oh, yeah? Well, your eyes are too close to your nose. 100 00:05:54,971 --> 00:05:56,962 That may be. But you know what? 101 00:05:57,051 --> 00:06:00,326 I only have to wear one goggle when I go swimming in my pool! 102 00:06:00,410 --> 00:06:03,242 - Hey, wait, wait, wait! Come back here! - What? 103 00:06:03,329 --> 00:06:06,241 I have to draw you. 104 00:06:07,688 --> 00:06:10,804 You're why cavemen painted on walls. 105 00:06:12,527 --> 00:06:16,439 Damn government, telling me I can't build a pool on my own land. 106 00:06:16,526 --> 00:06:21,121 After my grandfather helped create one of our most beloved cartoon characters. 107 00:06:21,205 --> 00:06:27,200 OK. We've narrowed it down to two possible names. All in favour of "Bugs Bunny"? 108 00:06:27,923 --> 00:06:31,279 And all in favour of "Ephraim, the Retarded Rabbit"? 109 00:06:35,362 --> 00:06:37,431 Oh, you can all go to hell! 110 00:06:38,121 --> 00:06:41,749 - Hey, where's the mayor's office? - Last door on the left. 111 00:06:41,840 --> 00:06:45,070 - Come on! Come on! - Hello, is this the... 112 00:06:47,759 --> 00:06:51,433 Oh. Sorry. I thought you were the district attorney. 113 00:06:51,518 --> 00:06:55,112 No, I'm Peter Griffin. Oh, you're here about your pool. 114 00:06:55,197 --> 00:06:57,187 Step into my office. 115 00:06:58,196 --> 00:07:02,552 I'm here to serve the fine citizens of Quahog. It'll be my pleasure to give you a permit. 116 00:07:02,635 --> 00:07:06,309 - Well, it's about time. - Well, this is odd. 117 00:07:06,394 --> 00:07:09,192 - What? - I've never encountered anything like this, 118 00:07:09,274 --> 00:07:11,867 but your property doesn't seem to be on the map. 119 00:07:11,953 --> 00:07:14,102 It's not part of Quahog. 120 00:07:14,192 --> 00:07:17,468 What the hell are you talkin' about? I've lived there for 12 years. 121 00:07:17,552 --> 00:07:22,102 Sorry, but according to this map, you're not even part of these United States. 122 00:07:22,191 --> 00:07:25,068 Which would make you... a communist! 123 00:07:25,150 --> 00:07:26,503 - Ah! - Yeah! 124 00:07:26,829 --> 00:07:30,265 - Ow! - Damn! Usually my malcontents are skinnier. 125 00:07:30,349 --> 00:07:34,660 Would you come back in a week, when my fat malcontent trap door will be completed? 126 00:07:34,748 --> 00:07:37,261 I'm not comin' back in a week, or ever! 127 00:07:37,347 --> 00:07:39,735 I've had it with you and this damn government. 128 00:07:39,826 --> 00:07:41,817 Fine. 129 00:07:42,666 --> 00:07:46,214 I love this job more than I love taffy. 130 00:07:46,305 --> 00:07:49,137 And I'm a man who enjoys his taffy. 131 00:07:49,944 --> 00:07:52,093 Mmm. 132 00:07:52,183 --> 00:07:54,174 Ooh. Mmm. 133 00:07:55,303 --> 00:07:57,657 Oh. Hm. 134 00:07:58,502 --> 00:08:02,210 Hm. Mmm-mm. 135 00:08:02,301 --> 00:08:05,895 Mm. Oh, oh. 136 00:08:05,980 --> 00:08:07,777 Mmm. 137 00:08:08,100 --> 00:08:10,818 What's going on? Did the city give you the permit? 138 00:08:10,899 --> 00:08:14,049 No, no. We're not part of this city. We're not even part of this country. 139 00:08:14,138 --> 00:08:17,527 - And that makes us our own country. - What are you talking about? 140 00:08:17,617 --> 00:08:21,768 Thanks to a technicality, we have the right to secede from the US. 141 00:08:21,856 --> 00:08:26,292 From this day forth, this territory will be known as "Petoria"! 142 00:08:26,855 --> 00:08:30,813 I was going to call it "Peterland", but that gay bar by the airport took it. 143 00:08:33,374 --> 00:08:35,489 Our lead story tonight: Petoria. 144 00:08:35,573 --> 00:08:39,201 A new foreign country which was founded this week, here in our own back yard. 145 00:08:39,292 --> 00:08:43,079 And in a Quahog News 5 Exclusive, we sent our own little foreigner, 146 00:08:43,171 --> 00:08:46,322 Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa, to Petoria, 147 00:08:46,411 --> 00:08:51,324 where first lady Lois Griffin has graciously agreed to give a tour of her country. Tricia. 148 00:08:51,729 --> 00:08:57,325 Thank you, Diane. So, Mrs Griffin, what's it like being the woman behind the man? 149 00:08:57,408 --> 00:09:02,083 Ah, you know, when Peter first said we were our own country, I was a bit sceptical. 150 00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:07,479 Then I thought "Hey! I could be like Hillary Clinton!" Only, you know, without the penis. 151 00:09:07,566 --> 00:09:10,125 Tell us a little bit about your country. 152 00:09:10,205 --> 00:09:14,482 Well, we're a clean and industrious people, mostly white. 153 00:09:14,564 --> 00:09:17,282 My son Chris is in charge of our space programme. 154 00:09:17,363 --> 00:09:19,433 We hope to get to the moon very shortly. 155 00:09:20,323 --> 00:09:22,199 Almost! 156 00:09:24,162 --> 00:09:28,234 Ow! They should really use monkeys for this. 157 00:09:28,801 --> 00:09:32,156 And little Stewie here is our President of Poopy. 158 00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:33,467 Oh, ha, ha, ha. 159 00:09:33,559 --> 00:09:35,914 So where is the president now? 160 00:09:35,999 --> 00:09:38,717 Oh, he's out on a goodwill mission to America. 161 00:09:42,197 --> 00:09:46,314 Here you go, Mr President. Mr President! 162 00:09:46,396 --> 00:09:51,515 Oh, Peter. That tickles me in a way that if Loretta tickled me in that way, 163 00:09:51,595 --> 00:09:56,622 I'd say "Oh, yeah! That's nice. That's the spot." 164 00:09:56,714 --> 00:10:01,582 What are you talkin' about? I'm a born leader. Like my great-great-uncle Ulysses S Griffin. 165 00:10:01,673 --> 00:10:04,948 (all chant) Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug! Chug-a-lug! 166 00:10:05,032 --> 00:10:08,068 - Yeah! Whoo! - How's that, Robert E Lee? 167 00:10:08,151 --> 00:10:11,301 All right. No more slaves. But we still don't have to read books. 168 00:10:11,390 --> 00:10:13,745 - Deal. - Yeah! 169 00:10:14,150 --> 00:10:16,709 Barkeep! Petro-nemo-slappy-wag. 170 00:10:16,789 --> 00:10:20,144 That's Petorian for "More beer, you slappy-wag." 171 00:10:20,228 --> 00:10:23,538 You still owe me for the other rounds, which comes to 50 bucks. 172 00:10:23,628 --> 00:10:26,061 I'm a foreign diplomat. I don't pay for drinks. 173 00:10:26,147 --> 00:10:28,706 You think G Gordon Liddy paid for his drinks 174 00:10:28,786 --> 00:10:33,336 while he was stranglin' people with piano wire for the good of our nation? 175 00:10:35,145 --> 00:10:38,454 Peter, you can't drink that outside. You're gonna end up in jail. 176 00:10:38,544 --> 00:10:40,818 Not a good jail, like on Cinemax. The man-jail. 177 00:10:40,903 --> 00:10:44,612 Go back and pay the bill, Peter. You, uh, don't wanna break the law. 178 00:10:44,703 --> 00:10:47,500 I can do whatever I want. Watch this. 179 00:10:48,342 --> 00:10:51,139 Oh, now you're just bein' crazy. 180 00:10:51,421 --> 00:10:53,854 Hey, that's against the law. You're comin' with me. 181 00:10:53,940 --> 00:10:56,010 Uh-uh-uh! Can't touch me. 182 00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:58,294 (tune of "U Can't Touch This" by MC Hammer) 183 00:10:58,379 --> 00:11:00,256 Can't touch me 184 00:11:00,339 --> 00:11:04,775 Ju-ju-ju-ju-just like the bad guy from Lethal Weapon 2 185 00:11:04,858 --> 00:11:08,008 I've got diplomatic immunity, so Hammer, you can't sue 186 00:11:08,457 --> 00:11:11,050 I can write graffiti, even jaywalk in the street 187 00:11:11,136 --> 00:11:14,048 I can riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat 188 00:11:14,136 --> 00:11:16,126 Can't touch me 189 00:11:17,295 --> 00:11:20,286 - Can't touch me - What in God's name is he doing? 190 00:11:20,374 --> 00:11:23,046 - Can't touch me - I believe that's the "Worm". 191 00:11:23,133 --> 00:11:25,727 Stop! Peter time! I'm a big shot, there's no doubt 192 00:11:25,813 --> 00:11:27,211 Light a fire and pee it out 193 00:11:27,292 --> 00:11:28,930 Don't like it? Kiss my rump 194 00:11:29,012 --> 00:11:31,525 Just for a minute let's all do the bump 195 00:11:36,410 --> 00:11:37,729 Can't touch me 196 00:11:37,810 --> 00:11:39,448 Yeah, do the Peter Griffin bump 197 00:11:39,530 --> 00:11:41,520 Can't touch me 198 00:11:43,049 --> 00:11:46,006 I'm Presidential Peter, interns think I'm hot 199 00:11:46,088 --> 00:11:49,397 Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot 200 00:11:49,487 --> 00:11:52,284 I've been around the world, from Hartford to Bombay 201 00:11:52,606 --> 00:11:57,998 It's Peter, go Peter, up Peter, yo, Peter, let's see Regis rap this way, can't touch me 202 00:12:00,365 --> 00:12:03,117 Except for you. You can touch me. 203 00:12:05,803 --> 00:12:11,195 Attention, delegates. This session of the United Nations is hereby convened. 204 00:12:11,282 --> 00:12:15,194 Man, this sucks. Hey, Podium Guy! Hey, I got a problem here. 205 00:12:15,281 --> 00:12:19,193 - Excuse me. Some of us are here to learn. - No one's talkin' to you, Albania. 206 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:23,033 - Is there a problem back there? - You bet your funny accent there is! 207 00:12:23,119 --> 00:12:27,236 I'm stuck up here in the nosebleeds. I'm president of Petoria. I want a better seat. 208 00:12:27,318 --> 00:12:32,266 Oh, of course. How could we not have recognised the great nation of Petoria? 209 00:12:32,357 --> 00:12:35,268 - Have a seat up front. - Well, that's more like it. 210 00:12:35,356 --> 00:12:37,824 And hey! Would you also like a special satellite 211 00:12:37,916 --> 00:12:40,304 to scratch your ass with a laser beam from space? 212 00:12:40,395 --> 00:12:42,704 They have those? 213 00:12:50,673 --> 00:12:54,142 Hi. How you doin'? You mind if I, uh... 214 00:12:55,032 --> 00:12:57,226 - They don't respect you. - What do you mean? 215 00:12:57,311 --> 00:13:01,667 I used to be the laughing stock around here until my country invaded Kuwait. 216 00:13:01,750 --> 00:13:04,104 Now I have a seat in the third row. 217 00:13:04,189 --> 00:13:06,419 The only way to get any respect around here 218 00:13:06,509 --> 00:13:09,261 is to find something you want and just take it. 219 00:13:09,348 --> 00:13:12,657 Wait. If everybody respects you, how come you're eatin' by yourself? 220 00:13:12,747 --> 00:13:16,262 - I don't shower. - Oh, that's what that is. 221 00:13:16,347 --> 00:13:18,985 Take what I want, huh? 222 00:13:20,626 --> 00:13:23,583 - Good morning, Joe. - Peter, what are you doin' in my pool? 223 00:13:23,665 --> 00:13:27,816 Oh, this is the newest province of Petoria. I call it "Johio". 224 00:13:27,904 --> 00:13:30,656 What? You can't just come over here and annexe my pool. 225 00:13:30,743 --> 00:13:34,860 Oh, yeah? Well, according to paragraph seven, sentence three, word eight 226 00:13:34,942 --> 00:13:37,581 of the Geneva Convention, "the". 227 00:13:37,662 --> 00:13:39,652 So tough luck, Swanson. 228 00:13:41,701 --> 00:13:46,295 - As you can see, Petoria has invaded US soil. - What are our options? 229 00:13:46,379 --> 00:13:50,690 A military strike against such a small nation could cause an international backlash. 230 00:13:50,778 --> 00:13:53,815 - But this kind of behaviour can't be tolerated. - Agreed. 231 00:13:53,898 --> 00:13:57,048 - I suggest we start with political sanctions. - Good, gentlemen. 232 00:14:01,456 --> 00:14:04,925 Well, I guess the world'll show me a little more respect now. 233 00:14:05,015 --> 00:14:08,404 Dad, I tried to got to school but this guy won't let me. 234 00:14:08,494 --> 00:14:11,530 - Oh, yeah? Him and what army? - The US Army. 235 00:14:13,693 --> 00:14:15,126 Oh, that's a good army. 236 00:14:19,332 --> 00:14:21,720 The scene outside the US-Petorian border 237 00:14:21,811 --> 00:14:25,041 as the sun rises on day one of Operation Desert Clam. 238 00:14:26,090 --> 00:14:29,126 Good morning. I'm Diane Simmons. We now go to Tom Tucker, 239 00:14:29,209 --> 00:14:31,404 live at the site of the US blockade. Tom? 240 00:14:31,689 --> 00:14:35,476 Diane, I'm here at the Petorian front, where the US has cut off electricity, 241 00:14:35,568 --> 00:14:38,286 water and gas to the tiny four-bedroom republic. 242 00:14:38,367 --> 00:14:41,483 The situation is very tense and extremely dangerous. 243 00:14:41,566 --> 00:14:43,761 - It's only a matter of time... - (popping) 244 00:14:43,846 --> 00:14:48,635 Oh, my God, they've opened fire. It looks like things are getting very heated here. 245 00:14:48,725 --> 00:14:50,715 This is not a safe place to be. 246 00:14:52,164 --> 00:14:54,154 (noise like shells falling) 247 00:14:56,043 --> 00:14:57,078 And now sports. 248 00:15:00,802 --> 00:15:04,760 - (Peter) Lois? - Over here. I'm chopping carrots for a salad. 249 00:15:04,841 --> 00:15:08,719 - Here. Use this head lamp. - Hey, where's the kids? 250 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:11,916 Upstairs, doin' their homework by candlelight. 251 00:15:11,999 --> 00:15:15,308 Damn pig-dog Americans, messin' with my family like this. 252 00:15:15,398 --> 00:15:18,788 We can't bathe, we can't do laundry, there's no heat... 253 00:15:18,877 --> 00:15:20,868 We can't live like this for ever. 254 00:15:20,957 --> 00:15:26,235 It's not for ever. You know, it's just... it's just... You know. 255 00:15:26,316 --> 00:15:28,545 Peter, I'm up here. Oh, sweetie, 256 00:15:28,635 --> 00:15:31,671 maybe you should go over to Joe's and return his pool, huh? 257 00:15:31,754 --> 00:15:35,951 No. We're a real country. We deserve all the rights and privileges everyone else gets. 258 00:15:36,033 --> 00:15:39,548 But we have to think about the welfare of our children. 259 00:15:39,633 --> 00:15:42,100 - Stewie, is that you? - Lois, my mind's made up. 260 00:15:42,192 --> 00:15:44,864 - (crash) - I'm not givin' up an inch of Petorian soil. 261 00:15:44,951 --> 00:15:48,023 It's not a sign of weakness to compromise. 262 00:15:48,111 --> 00:15:51,068 I just think you should... Peter, stop starin' at my chest. 263 00:15:51,150 --> 00:15:53,140 (Brian) Oh. Yeah, sorry, Lois. 264 00:15:56,509 --> 00:16:00,547 And we're back with our round-table discussion on the Petorian crisis. 265 00:16:00,628 --> 00:16:02,618 - Uh, you were making a point, John? - Yes. 266 00:16:02,707 --> 00:16:06,096 What the United States is doing to Petoria right now is criminal. 267 00:16:06,186 --> 00:16:10,303 Nonsense! Force is the only thing a despot like Peter Griffin understands. 268 00:16:10,385 --> 00:16:13,933 - Fine. Why not just drop a bomb on him? - What about that, Eleanor? 269 00:16:14,024 --> 00:16:17,539 Oh, it's ridiculous, clearly. He's a factory worker, not a despot. 270 00:16:17,624 --> 00:16:21,901 You're missin' the point. Our blockade is turnin' Petoria into a Third World country. 271 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:35,054 Can anybody tell me what the square root of the hypotenuse is... Chris, is that a note? 272 00:16:35,139 --> 00:16:37,209 - No. - Yes, it is. 273 00:16:37,299 --> 00:16:40,449 Would you like to read it for the rest of the class? 274 00:16:40,538 --> 00:16:42,847 - No. - Just read it, lardo. 275 00:16:44,177 --> 00:16:47,612 - "I think Mrs Griffin's hot." - Go to your room. 276 00:16:48,856 --> 00:16:53,929 Damn you, Rupert! Keep these loathsome insects away, or you'll end up like Mr Giraffe. 277 00:16:54,015 --> 00:16:56,244 Hi. I'm Susan Sarandon. 278 00:16:56,334 --> 00:17:01,168 A lot of you know me as Tim Robbins' mother. But I'm actually his girlfriend. 279 00:17:01,253 --> 00:17:03,813 - And this is Stewie. - What the deuce? 280 00:17:03,893 --> 00:17:06,486 For less that the ticket price of one of my movies 281 00:17:06,572 --> 00:17:09,085 about capital punishment or neo-feminism, 282 00:17:09,171 --> 00:17:12,004 you can make sure that Stewie never goes hungry again. 283 00:17:12,091 --> 00:17:15,127 Yes, and from the look of those sweater cows, so can you. 284 00:17:19,609 --> 00:17:21,838 Morning, subjects. What's for breakfast? 285 00:17:21,928 --> 00:17:24,681 Nothing, you idiot. We don't have any food. 286 00:17:24,768 --> 00:17:26,917 Peter, this has gotten way out of hand. 287 00:17:27,007 --> 00:17:30,840 Look at what we're reduced to. Our own baby has to use newspapers for diapers. 288 00:17:30,926 --> 00:17:32,837 No, no. No, no, this is fine. 289 00:17:32,926 --> 00:17:36,440 One second. I'm just about finished with Family Circus. 290 00:17:38,084 --> 00:17:41,633 There we are. Who did that, Jeffie? Not me. 291 00:17:41,724 --> 00:17:45,762 My God, I haven't seen everyone this miserable since that time we were tortured. 292 00:17:50,562 --> 00:17:54,951 I'm sorry. Were you just whipping me? Or did I just get bit by a mosquito? 293 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:58,234 Hey, Lois, if you happen to see the dungeon master, 294 00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:00,833 tell him his grandmother was tryin' to work me over. 295 00:18:01,199 --> 00:18:04,747 It's time to call this whole thing off. Nobody's on our side. 296 00:18:05,158 --> 00:18:07,308 Are you nuts? Look at all these telegrams. 297 00:18:07,398 --> 00:18:11,675 "Nice goin'. Libya." "You the man! North Korea." "Great job! Iraq." 298 00:18:11,756 --> 00:18:17,068 Iraq, Lois! You know what? I'm gonna invite a few of these fellas over for a party. 299 00:18:20,075 --> 00:18:24,464 See, Lois, I told you we had allies. Hey, Slobodan. You made it. 300 00:18:24,553 --> 00:18:28,989 I didn't know what to bring, so I made coleslaw. It's made out of people! 301 00:18:29,072 --> 00:18:32,462 - Just kidding. Is Muammar here? - Yeah, he's over there with Saddam. 302 00:18:32,552 --> 00:18:36,146 And then Jerry guessed that her name was "Mulva"! 303 00:18:37,630 --> 00:18:41,304 That show is so funny. It really reminds me of me and my friends, 304 00:18:41,389 --> 00:18:44,426 how we hang out before I kill them for worshipping the wrong god. 305 00:18:44,509 --> 00:18:47,227 And I love that Kramer guy. He comes in the room like this: 306 00:18:47,308 --> 00:18:49,503 "Whaaaa..." Well, I can't do it, but you know. 307 00:18:50,507 --> 00:18:52,498 - Marco. - (all) Polo! 308 00:18:52,587 --> 00:18:54,702 - Marco. - (all) Polo! 309 00:18:54,786 --> 00:18:56,777 - Fish out of water! - Aw! 310 00:18:59,505 --> 00:19:02,541 Yeah, those are lookin' good. Yeah. Manuel! 311 00:19:02,624 --> 00:19:05,536 Manuel, do you want... Can you ask him if he wants cheese? 312 00:19:05,624 --> 00:19:08,376 Hey! Hey! Fidel! No running around the pool! 313 00:19:09,543 --> 00:19:12,579 I say, I say, Achmed. What is that thing you people do 314 00:19:12,662 --> 00:19:14,857 when you're about to assassinate an infidel? 315 00:19:14,942 --> 00:19:17,933 Ah. You mean this? (howls) 316 00:19:18,021 --> 00:19:20,932 Oh, yes, I love that. (howls) 317 00:19:21,020 --> 00:19:24,489 Stewie! This is insanity. 318 00:19:25,619 --> 00:19:28,496 - Whoa! Where do you think you're goin'? - America! 319 00:19:28,578 --> 00:19:33,776 I've had enough. You can keep this filthy mess you call a country. Come on, kids. 320 00:19:33,857 --> 00:19:36,973 This is treason! For God's sake, Peter! Make an example of her! 321 00:19:37,056 --> 00:19:39,934 Nothing says "Obey me" like a bloody head on a fence post. 322 00:19:40,016 --> 00:19:43,644 Let's go! We're crossin' the border! Goodbye, President Griffin. 323 00:19:43,935 --> 00:19:48,291 - Brian, at least you're Ioyal enough to stay. - I've stuck by you through worse. 324 00:19:50,533 --> 00:19:53,649 Ah! Ah! Ah! 325 00:19:53,732 --> 00:19:57,008 Ah, I guess it's you and me against the world, buddy. 326 00:19:57,092 --> 00:20:01,720 Attention, President Griffin. As you may presently, yourself, fully be aware of, 327 00:20:01,810 --> 00:20:05,120 my grammar sucks, but more importantly, we're about to commence 328 00:20:05,210 --> 00:20:07,439 Operation Bomb the Crap Out of Your House. 329 00:20:07,529 --> 00:20:10,964 The guy who thinks up the names is on vacation. Fire! 330 00:20:13,808 --> 00:20:15,957 To answer your question, like that. 331 00:20:16,327 --> 00:20:20,763 The guy who aims is in the john. Ah, here he is. Next one's comin' right at you. 332 00:20:20,846 --> 00:20:25,396 Face it, it's over. Why not sit down with the mayor and negotiate some kind of treaty? 333 00:20:25,485 --> 00:20:29,397 Negotiate? Peter Griffin doesn't know the meaning of the word "negotiate". 334 00:20:32,123 --> 00:20:35,717 Can... can I tie you to a stick and use you as a white flag? 335 00:20:38,002 --> 00:20:40,913 Thank you all for coming. We invited Jesse Jackson 336 00:20:41,001 --> 00:20:43,071 to open our negotiations with a prayer. 337 00:20:43,161 --> 00:20:44,388 (all) Ooh! 338 00:20:44,760 --> 00:20:49,514 Unfortunately, he couldn't make it, so in his place we have LaToya Jackson. 339 00:20:49,599 --> 00:20:55,195 Thanks. Um... Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah, God! 340 00:20:55,278 --> 00:20:57,586 How very inappropriate. Thank you. 341 00:20:57,677 --> 00:20:59,668 Now, Mr Griffin, would you like to begin? 342 00:20:59,757 --> 00:21:04,546 OK. After much thought and consideration, I have decided to make a concession or two. 343 00:21:04,635 --> 00:21:08,150 - Very good, Peter. - First, I will return Joe's pool. 344 00:21:08,515 --> 00:21:12,746 - Oh, you got that right! - But I demand access to it on weekends. 345 00:21:12,834 --> 00:21:14,232 - No. - Accepted. 346 00:21:14,313 --> 00:21:17,349 I also demand to remain my own, independent nation. 347 00:21:17,432 --> 00:21:19,787 - Absolutely not. - How about you give me your pen? 348 00:21:19,872 --> 00:21:23,261 You mean this cheap little pen we have millions of back at the office? 349 00:21:23,351 --> 00:21:24,386 - Yeah. - No. 350 00:21:24,471 --> 00:21:26,825 Oh, man. So after all this I end up with nothin'? 351 00:21:26,910 --> 00:21:30,106 How about this? Every night when you get home from work, 352 00:21:30,189 --> 00:21:33,499 I'll scratch your back with a matchbook cover like you like. 353 00:21:33,589 --> 00:21:35,783 - Ah, Lois. - Aw. 354 00:21:35,868 --> 00:21:38,540 - Will you call me "Big Rudy" when you do? - No. 355 00:21:38,627 --> 00:21:42,983 And that's the story of Petoria, a little nation that, 200 years ago, 356 00:21:43,066 --> 00:21:45,455 seceded and repatriated in less than a week. 357 00:21:45,546 --> 00:21:48,821 - Any questions? - Yeah, uh, I don't get it. 358 00:21:48,905 --> 00:21:54,103 So, like, can the family understand the baby, or... or... What's the deal with that?